That Idiot

I asked a friend of mine, a regular reader of this blog, if he’s been reading my posts lately. He read them and brought up how frequently I talk about Jordan. And that most of my posts were very sad.

I took it as a wake-up call.

I feel like I shouldn’t be devoting so much time and words to him.

And you know what’s even better than narrowing down my number of posts about him?

I’m going to let him go. I’ve heard it said that if you love something enough, you’ll let it go. And if it never comes back, it was never meant to be.

I think I love Jordan. (Kind of. Sort of.) But Jordan has a girlfriend, who I think he loves. (Kind of. Sort of.)

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that Jordan is kind of an idiot, and a really big one at that. Every time I watch his antics, half amused, half nauseated, and all I can think is, "That idiot."

Maybe he and I are better off as friends. Friends that play guitar together and laugh until our sides hurt, because maybe that’s what we’ve been all along.

I’m going to put him on the back burner for now. And while he’s sitting on that back burner, I’ll give him some time to think it over, if he’d ever be smart enough to do so. Then if he wants me, I’ll take him. If I still want him, that is.

While he’s on that back burner, I’ll be learning how to fall out of love.

When I was about thirteen, I wrote a poem called "Chasing Love." The last two lines said, Maybe I should stop chasing love, and then one day I’ll find it.

Jordan fell into my life and I thought he was the one I was looking for. When I found out that he wasn’t, I chose to still believe otherwise, asking myself, if not him, who? But now I realize that I was doing it again. I was chasing love again, something I thought I wouldn’t be doing with this boy. But I always seem to find myself in the same situations, don’t I?

The chase has been fun, but I think right now, I’m going to stop and catch my breath. And only after that, I’ll decide whether to catch up to him again. If he stops running when he’s realized I’ve stopped, and comes back to surrender and let me love him, I’ll decide if I still want to do that.

If you keep focusing on that hazy image of the boy running away from you, you just might miss the perfect guy waiting for you along the way. Why not just stop? I’m going to stop and wait for that perfect love, because something tells me it can’t be that far away. Who cares if it’s not Jordan? I don’t even know if I want it to be Jordan.

I’ll let it all find me. (Yeah, I say that now) But you know I’ll be impatient. And it’s going to be easier said than done to let go of Jordan so fast, but judging from the progress I’ve already made, it just might work.

It's time to move on. It's time to find someone better. Because that’s all I want: my first love. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to love an idiot.

Love is weird. That’s one of the many things I’ve learned in the fifteen years I’ve been alive. It’s always going to be doing evil things behind your back if you let it. It’s always going to be casting spells on you that turn you into a happy-dancing, grinning, song-writing psycho. (At least that’s what it does to me) And love will always, always, be playing games with you and beating you at them, knocking you down until you don’t want to get up again. But I think I want love to let me win for a change.

And in conclusion...

Jordan, you’re cute. Actually, you’re adorable. But you’re dumb. You never understood how I felt (or feel?) about you, even when I told you. I still care about you. I just don't want to anymore. Thanks, by the way. The chase was great. Ah, those times when I thought I had caught up and knocked you down. But you got away every time. Determined, aren’t you? Determined to get away from me? Well, now I’m determined to get away from you.

I sit here and think about that girl who kept up with you in that ugly green hallway as you sped along to Chemistry class, that garbled nonsense falling out of her mouth, confessing her love to a boy too stupid to understand. And I simply grin to myself and think, "That idiot."