Tears

These days, it seems that all I ever do is cry. If I leave my mind unattended, tears fall. Why is that?

The tears are almost on a schedule, like my day goes something like:

- Wake up
- Go to school
- Ride the bus home
- Go to my bedroom/the couch/the bathroom and cry over something stupid
- Pull myself together
- Act like nothing is wrong

My parents don’t like when I cry over Jordan. And I don't want them to know I cry over Jordan. I sometimes wonder what would happen if he had a change of heart or a loss of eyesight and was to actually ask me out. What would my parents say? Did I ruin their opinion of him the first time I came home and cried? How many times had I cried since then? When was the first time, anyway? I can't even remember.

So, when I got home on Friday, I disregarded my homework and ran up to my bedroom. There, I picked up my guitar and strummed a few chords, hoping I'd find solace there. I tried singing a few songs, but broke down sobbing instead. (That went well) I tried my hardest to keep the tears out of my voice and sang a few sad songs, like "Blame It On The Rain" by He Is We and "Teardrops On My Guitar" by Taylor Swift. While singing the songs, I heard my voice wavering at the lines that reminded me of him, but I didn’t stop to let out the sobs building in my throat as I felt the tears stinging my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and off of my chin, right onto my guitar. I stopped playing, horrified.

Jordan was literally the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.

I gently put my guitar on Yuuki’s bed beside mine and curled up on my own unmade bed and let out the sobs, the pathetic blubbery crying of a little girl who didn’t get her way, because that’s all I was.

Maybe Symphony has been right from the start. I am pathetic.

I overreact and make too many assumptions. I mean, the littlest, dumbest things set me off. Jordan hugs Ginny and suddenly I’m bawling in my bedroom, blubbering along to Taylor Swift songs. I take note of Jordan "liking" a photo of Leslie on Facebook, and suddenly I’m upstairs with a handful of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups because food is my only comfort.

No wonder I’m so fucking fat... What if I stopped eating altogether? Maybe then he’d like me, because I wouldn’t be such a whale anymore. But we all know I'd never do that. I mean, all I ever do is eat. Popcorn, chips, Cool Whip, ice cream, Special K bars, candy, cookies, cinnamon rolls, every damn thing I can get my hands on. I really am pathetic!

Food this, Jordan that. Sad songs, crushed dreams, rivers of tears, lashing out at people who don’t deserve it, always writing and writing and writing because I have nothing better to do.

I just want to be happy.

I guess it’s too much to ask.