2O12.

Happy New Year!

I’ve always overlooked New Year’s Day as a holiday, because I never really thought of it as a big deal. Why is the first of January the first day of the year anyway? What if that’s not when the New Year should begin? WHAT IF EVERY CALENDAR IN THE WORLD IS WRONG? WHAT IS TIME? Is it only a convenience, a way to remember how old we are, when we need to be where we need to be?

Sorry about that.

Anyway, this year, New Year’s Day just seems to hold a certain importance. What if 2O12 really is the last year we have? Really gives you a reason to live, doesn’t it? Honestly, I really hope those stupid Mayans were wrong. I wish I could live forever. I don’t want to die.

I didn’t make a blog to talk about the things that scare the shit out of me, so let’s get back on track.

Even if it’s not, I feel like I should treat 2O12 like it’s the last year of my life, to live like I’m dying. This year, when I make my list of New Year’s Resolutions, I want to stay true to every single one of them. So, what do I want to do this year? What do I need to do this year?

Maybe I just need to sort out everything in my life. Is that where happiness comes from, being sure of yourself, keeping your life organized so it’s not as easy to turn it into a mess?

So, maybe I just need to take a few steps back and clean up the mess. I want close friendships. I want to stop crying over Jordan. I want to change on the inside and the outside to make myself happy. Speaking of organization, how about a nice, organized list of resolutions?

My New Year’s Resolutions

1.)  I want to reconnect with the friends I’ve been drifting away from. Actually, I want to strengthen all of my friendships, because this is the part of my life when I will need them most, these turbulent, hectic, youth years.

2.)  I want to confront the people that do me wrong, because they need to know that what they are doing is, well, wrong. Problems like these don’t come up very often, but when they do, I usually just stand by and let it happen. I need to stop doing that.

3.)  I want to write a novel and try my hardest to get it published. I just want the world to read my words, not just my anonymous ones. I want to be successful. Why not start now?

4.)  I want to tell Jordan exactly how I feel, the sooner the better. On a Wednesday, on our way down to the band room to get the school’s guitar, I want to grab his arm and stop him. I want to look him straight in the eyes and say, “Jordan. I think you’re amazing. I want to go out with you. I tried to tell you before, but you never seemed to get it. Now you know.” Then, I’ll stand up on my toes and kiss him on the cheek. Then I’ll ask him, “So, what do you say?” with a smile, most likely a fake smile. Just behind that smile, I’ll be terrified, staring rejection right in the face, saying, “Come at me, bro!” No matter what happens, at least he will know. If he says no (which he probably will), I’ll ask him if we could still be friends. No matter what happens, I’ll be okay. Right?

5.)  I want to get more serious about my schoolwork again. That homework that I never do is what is going to get me places someday.

6.)  I want to try to be more optimistic. It feels good to be happy, so that is what I’ll strive to be.

7.)  I want to change on the outside, but not to impress anyone. I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see for a change. I also want to lose some weight. I eat too much.

8.)  I want to improve my faith in God. I’ve been in a dark, hopeless place lately, and I’ve found myself wondering if God is actually up there, if he still cares about me. In church today, one of the songs said “He is always gonna come through.” Is He going to come through for me? When? Why do I have so many doubts? And out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head. I’m lost. Not even a minute later, I was reading along with the words to the song on the small screens placed around the room, and I found myself singing, “You love the lost, You want them found.” Coincidence? I think not. So, maybe God isn’t the one who has to find me. Maybe I have to find myself.

9.)  I want to improve my self-confidence. I honestly don’t know how it got destroyed, but I’d like to figure out how to fix it. There are things about myself that I’d like to appreciate, but I just don’t know how.

10.) I want to keep writing songs. I want to post them on YouTube for the world to hear, no matter how horrible I sound. I want to have enough confidence in myself to let my words be heard, and not care what people think of me.

11.) I’m going to treat this one as a combination of all of the little, random things I want to do, one big resolution. I want to learn how to cook my favorite meals. I want to learn how to play the bass guitar. I want to grow my hair long. I want to get my first boyfriend, my first kiss.. I want to get a job after I turn sixteen, so I can start earning my own money. I want to take chances and do what I want without fear or second-guessing myself. I want to go out on limbs. I want to live each day to its fullest. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?


12.) I was talking to a friend of mine on Facebook earlier, and I asked what my last resolution should be. They said, “To figure out life. And not the philosophical meaning or whatever. Your own life.” I think that is something that I really need to do, figure my life out, figure myself out.

So there you have it. 12 resolutions for 2O12.

2O11 was a good year. I changed a lot last year, inside and out. If I never had changed so much, who would
I be right now? Would I be writing this right now? 2O11 was a year of things that I never would’ve
expected, and I’m almost sad to see it go.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a great year, maybe even better than 2O11.

Please God; don’t let it be our last. I want to live a little before I die. :)