Yesterday’s song of the day was "Float On" by Modest Mouse. I can listen to that song over and over again and it never gets old. The music, the words, it all just keeps me up, when the world is threatening to bring me down.
Yesterday was a Wednesday. Today is a Friday. Or is it?
Was yesterday a Thursday? (According to Rebecca Black, it was…) Well, in all actuality, it indeed was a Thursday. But a few Thursdays ago, I remember laying on the couch in my living room, crying and feeling hopeless. Is that what a Thursday is? If so, yesterday was a Wednesday. You know why? Because I made it that way.
But for some reason, today was a Thursday, tears and all. Today was not a Friday. Don’t even double-check your calendars. It was a Thursday. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to snatch Jordan out of Ginny’s hands. I don’t know how to make him treat me the way he treats her. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel. I don’t know how to make him fall in love with me.
I stood outside waiting for my bus, since it was strangely warm today. Only about a month ago, he would’ve come outside to talk to me. My bus was even late today. We could’ve spent a little while just talking and laughing, sitting on one of the white benches together. But…no, that’s not how it went. Instead, I watched him from the other side of the huge windowpane, talking to Ginny and Leslie, smiling, laughing, and hugging Ginny before he left. On the way out the door, he didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just walked right by, his gaze never meeting mine.
Why should I have to be in charge of every conversation, every interaction with him if Ginny doesn’t have to? If I just stopped associating with him altogether, would he even care? If I moved somewhere far away, would he miss me? If I died, would he miss me? Something tells me he wouldn’t. Maybe a little, but just because it’s the right thing to do. Pity the dead person. She died a loser, never on the receiving end of love, always the one giving. Then, again I once read somewhere that no one dies a virgin because in the end, life f*cks us all. Not exactly an inspiring, hopeful quote like the ones I usually gravitate towards, but I can’t help but agree. Except for me, life didn’t wait to f*ck me in the end. It’s already started f*cking me a long time ago. Nothing ever goes right for me. I see people smiling, overjoyed about all the things that go right in their lives and I just sit there and wonder when I’ll get to smile for a change.
The other day, a girl in my Geometry class was incredibly happy about her new boyfriend. One of her friends said, "Aww, she’s so happy! It’s so cute!" Another said, "I know! I’m so happy for her! I’m so happy she finally found the right guy!" and gave the girl a hug. She replied with, "Yes, I think I did," and continued smiling. I wanted to cry. I’ll never know what that’s like.
Today, my Chemistry teacher was talking about covalent bands. She was talking about how our molecules are attracted to the molecules in our desks, but it’s not strong enough that we would have to rip ourselves away from them to get a tissue or drag a desk down the hallway attached to our asses. Then, she said about how around Valentine’s Day, she sees the couple in the hallway holding hands, and how they aren’t permanently attached to the other person, so they can let go and go to class. Even if they don’t want to. No matter how much chemistry they have. Hand holding. Valentine’s Day. I immediately thought of Jordan, how I want to walk through the hallways, proudly holding his hand, how I want to wear his big sweatshirt with the skulls all over it, how I want to slow dance with him at the Valentine’s Day dance, how we’d make such a weird, adorable couple. I felt my face crumble into a frown. That would never happen, would it? When the teacher said that to his class, only about an hour earlier, did he think of me like I thought of him? Ahem, no.
Even if I tried to ask Jordan out, rejection would just knock me down, and I wouldn’t even attempt to get back up again. I would watch our relationship fall apart and fade away. He would purposefully avoid me and those days when I go home and cry will become more usual, even more usual than they already are.
Even if I tried to ask Jordan out, what would I say? Why would he love me? I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m weird. I’m practically bipolar. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I talk too much, but when he’s talking to Ginny, I can never just dramatically sweep onto the scene and snatch him away. I just watch them talk and smile and hug, on the outside looking in, literally. His eyes meet mine, but I only look away. He doesn’t want to talk to me. If he wanted to talk, he would talk, the way he does with Ginny. But, I am not Ginny. I am not cute and clumsy, happy and thin, interesting and artistic. I’m just an alien. I honestly don’t belong on this happy-ending little planet, because I just don’t deserve those fairytales I see come true every day, for some reason.
But, let me take a few steps back and look at this from a more mature, non-pathetic angle. I just had a bad day. Maybe if I keep trying out my Wednesday Theory, cutting in and stealing hearts that are rightfully mine, maybe… it just might work. But, I’m clueless and shy. Retarded when it comes to romance. But Jordan’s retarded, too. Maybe we really are perfect for each other. Maybe Ginny just needs to be knocked down, the same way she’s been knocking me down for weeks now. And not to be aggressive or rude, but I honestly want to be the one to shove her to the ground and steal what was mine first. "Stealing other people’s toys on the playground won’t make you many friends." I think she needs to learn that just because her boyfriend lives miles away from her doesn’t mean she could be a whore like her little friend Leslie. Although… Leslie is by rights allowed to be a whore now that her and Brendon broke up. Everyone was so shocked when they broke up, like, "I thought they were gonna get married!" But, I knew it was going to happen for a while now. I knew from the beginning, from my little gossip-hound, David.
So, Ginny might as well back off, because I’m not going to let one little Thursday stop me now. I’ll be back for that heart, and I’ll keep coming back until I get it. I would kill to have that heart. I’m still chasing the sunset in his eyes, and I’m not going to let him leave me in the dark anymore.
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