My title is actually a quote from the theme song or the show "Friends." That’s mostly because this post is about my friends.
Recently, something changed in Alexandria. She’s different. I’m different. Our friendship is different, but in a good way. She seems to have realized the things in life that matter most, seems to have learned from the wrong turns she’s made. In her life, Alexandria has been depressed. She’s been a cutter. She’s gotten in drugs and alcohol. She lost her virginity to a boy she barely knew, and now, she regrets it. Her boyfriend that she was in love with for months broke up with her because they live so far away from each other. It left her heartbroken, trying her hardest not to care.
Alexandria is not the person she used to be in middle school, the perverted, loud-mouthed girl that got on people’s nerves easily. She isn’t even the girl she was last year, the girl who made all of the mistakes. Alexandria really only has three close friends, which are Yuuki, her ex-boyfriend’s sister, and me. When you’re only really close to three people, those friendships just get closer and closer. Last year, Alexandria and I started drifting apart, and I thought it was because of Sydney, the girl I mentioned was her ex-boyfriend’s sister. I thought that Alexandria didn’t want to spend time with me anymore, but now I know that was just making another close friend, not replacing me.
Other than Yuuki and Alexandria, I feel like I can’t relate to any of my friends anymore. I don’t even spend time with them anymore. I’ve been purposefully drifting away from them, just because they don’t understand anything. They don’t know what I’m going through. They don’t know how much it hurts.
First of all, there is Symphony. Symphony and me’s friendship has been a bit rocky from the very beginning. After we got to know each other better, we were constantly having bitchy arguments about random things. But, we were like sisters, and that’s what sisters do. Lately, I’ve begun to realize the person that she really is.
She believes that just because I’m her close friend, it’s okay to treat me like dirt. It’s okay to boss me around. It’s okay to try to control every aspect of my pitiful life. But, that’s not okay.
She puts down everything that I like, from people to music. She calls the music I listen to "garbage" but never says anything to her other friends who listen to the same kind of music. She says that I’m pathetic. She calls me a bitch. I am a bitch, aren’t I? But so is she. I just know how to fight back when she’s trying to knock me down. Symphony is not happy unless I am not happy. She thinks that the world revolves around her, when I could care less about her boring little band-geek life when I have real problems.
But the one thing that upsets me the most about Symphony is that one word that she called me, which I’ll never forget.
"Pathetic."
She’s right, isn’t she?
I would never go to January with my problems, because she has enough problems of her own. Also, she isn’t that great with advice. One time I asked her for advice about Jordan, asked her how I could possibly get him to like me back, or be able to tell if he already does. She told me to "wear low-cut shirts to show him what I got." This is where I will give my readers permission to think badly about January, but you have a 30 second time limit. She doesn’t need more haters. She just doesn’t have her priorities straight is all.
Like I have with January, I’ve also been drifting away from Violet. When you’re in eighth grade, friendships are different. What I expect from Violet isn’t what she expects from me. Our friendship was random and upbeat, and lately I haven’t been in the mood for upbeat randomness. She’s started talking to more people her age, and I just stopped trying.
And then there’s David. David just doesn’t get anything. He’s like a bitchy little preppy girl. I talk about Leslie and he turns around and her about it, and acts like he wasn’t just doing the same thing. He doesn’t see why I’m upset about Jordan, because he’s never cared for anyone that much. He can like a guy, ask him out, date him, and dump him when he’s bored. Or if the guy says no when he asks him out, he gets over him and finds someone else. He doesn’t know how hard it is.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, the way I purposefully push people away like this. I don’t want to be lonely, but I just want to be alone. I want time to think, time to be sad and have no one making half-assed attempts to cheer me up. I just want to have a friend that will listen instead of talk, because frankly, all anyone seems to want to talk about is themselves. I just want to be the one talking, the one looking for advice, but I have no one to ask. No one seems to understand what it’s like to be sad. No one gets what it’s like to be poor and not get everything you want. No one understands what it’s like to run into another wall everywhere you turn. No one understands what it’s like to love and love and love but never get anything in return, simply because you’re not worth it.
So where do I turn? What could my friends possibly do for me?
Alexandria has pined away for the same guy for six months and he feels the same way. How does that happen? How is it so simple for everyone but me? She would never be able to help her hopeless, ugly friend with her pathetic guy problems.
Cassidy gets everything she wants. She’s beautiful and happy. Happy. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe the happiness is only an act. I feel like I can’t get close to her, because she keeps too many secrets about her past, like the depression and the scars on her legs. What if she still feels that pain? Where did it come from to begin with? She has so many reasons to be happy, but then there are the things that other people don’t know. Like how her uncle committed suicide, or how her birth mother abandoned her, so her grandparents adopted her. But she just seems so happy. I hope she is. But how could Cassidy help me if she’s still trying to figure her own life out?
Symphony thinks the world revolves around her. End of story.
Violet kind of goes through the same things that I went through when I was her age. We have so much in common. Or maybe we would if her and the fourteen-year-old version of myself were friends. They’re so alike. They have the same quiet attitude, with a touch of weird randomness. They fall for unattainable boys who have girlfriends. They wish to be the same type of people. They both have creative spirits, but they express themselves differently. I’m usually the one giving her advice, but now I’m the one who needs it.
David cares, but he also kind of doesn’t.
January. I love her dearly, but I would never rant to her, because she does not need my problems on top of hers. She’s going through so much, and I just want to help her, not be the one looking for help.
And then there are my online friends, the ones who live all over the country or occasionally in different countries. It’s so easy to talk to people you have never met in person, because for some reason, they won’t judge you. I like that. You can tell them absolutely anything. It’s just different from talking to your best friend you’ve known for ten years. It’s like secrets aren’t so important to keep hidden when you’re behind your computer screen. Maybe I find it easy to talk to these people because they read this blog, so they already know me. They know me better than anyone, weird as it may sound.
Anything is possible in this weird world I live in.
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