Today's song of the day would have to be . . . "There's A Class For This" by Cute Is What We Aim For. A class for what? I have no idea. The song doesn't really make any sense. But neither does my mood right now.
Today, I took a moment to welcome back a world that I kind of love. The sky was bright blue, with big, white, puffy clouds. The weather was perfect. It was warm outside, with a cool breeze. But, nothing really happened today. So, I find myself wondering where this optimism is coming from. The weather? Does the weather really control my emotions? Is that even possible? Well, you never know. The only things I did today were eat and read. Sure, I played a few songs on my guitar, wrote a little bit, but I spent most of my day reading. I definitely didn't remember how intriguing "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants" was when I picked it up this morning. If you're actually reading this and you don't know the story, Google it or something.
As a middle school girl, I was obsessed with that book. I used to want to be just like Bridget. Bridget is the tall, thin girl with flowing blonde hair, who plays sports and attracts guys easily. Well, you can only guess how that one turned out. *laughes* By this time, I thought I would transform myself into some perfect athlete girl with a boyfriend. That is definitely not what happened... but let me tell you what did.
Right now, I am a fifteen year old girl in the marching band, who is not concerned with her gym class grade, let alone sports. But, I am perfectly fine with the person I turned out to be. To be honest, the one thing I hate most about myself is my outer appearance. I'm about of average height, which is fine, I guess. Taller than some, shorter than some. I have thick legs, wide hips, and a soft, round stomach full of food, which I am not very proud of. Only a few areas of my skin aren't hiding beneath a dry, bumpy, pink rash. Doctors call it "eczema." I call it something along the lines of "hell." If I treat it every night, it goes away. I should be thankful for that, but I always wonder why I should have to cover myself in lotions and ointments every night when other people have naturally smooth skin and they don't have to worry about doing such a thing. Well, life isn't fair, I guess. I already figured that out a long, long time ago. I have naturally dark blonde hair, which my mother says people would kill for, but I don't see why. I'd much rather dye it black, to be honest. While, writing this, I found myself wondering if someone has actually killed someone so they can have their hair....? The way the world is today, I wouldn't doubt it. Basically, I'm not perfect. But who is? So, I have a rash. I'm fat. I have hair that's caught in that unattractive place between brown and blonde. But, it could be worse. I could have skin cancer instead of eczema. I could be starving instead of overweight. I could have leukemia and have no hair instead of a full head of thick hair. Then it wouldn't matter what color it was. I could be dead. People always take what they have for granted.
So, this post took me two days to write. Today's song is "Kelsey" by Metro Station. It used to be my favorite song a while back. I used to listen to it on one of the red swings at the playground and think about school. And guys. And life. Even as a middle schooler, I was still a thinker, a dreamer. Well, back in fifth, sixth, and seventh grade, I just wanted to be popular. To be accepted by people. To play sports and go out with this blonde jock kid who was a year older than me. I'm glad I never actually tried any of those things. In eigth grade, I guess my biggest dream was to marry Grey or something. I was a little eccentric. I still am. How did we get from "Kelsey" by Metro Station to my life as a preteen? I don't even know....
A while back, I was talking with one of my close friends. Let's call him David. Short bio on David: I developed my taste in music from him during my freshman year. During the same year, I had a crush on him that only lasted a few months, if that. It ended when I found out he was gay, and after I got to know him a little better. He enjoys making fun of people, he has OCD, and he likes indie music. Our tastes in music kind of switched, except I wasn't really into indie before. At the beginning of my freshman year, I was the one listening to chill acoustic music and he was the one listening to intense screamo. Now, it's kind of reversed. Anyway, David and I were making fun of something that one girl wrote in my yearbook about coming to youth group at church more often. I used to go a little, but I didn't really feel accepted, so I stopped going. I think you can be a Christian without going to youth group every Sunday night. So, David told me to tell her I was an atheist because no one talked to me at youth group. Then, he asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes, but I expected him to say no. God supposedly doesn't like gay people, which I think is like bullying. *laughes* Well, it's true! You can't just leave someone unincluded (is that a word?) because they're a trouser pilot! *laughes again* Now, I'm the one being mean... Shame, shame. Anyway, he said yes, but quickly rephrased himself with "I'm a Christian with doubts." And I realized, that is exactly what I am also. I believe in God, but I am a sinner, and I have my doubts. I listen to music about hating God, I curse, I think about other things in church instead of pay attention, I only pray when I need something. And sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't answer my prayers. Sometimes, I wonder if He's even listening. But, I guess everyone has had their doubts about God and whatnot. And isn't everyone a sinner? Apparently, God loves everyone, even if they do sin. I hope that's true. *Laughes nervously*
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