My last post was a little upsetting, but I just felt like I needed to get those feelings out at some point. My mood changes so much I might as well be bipolar. But I'm not. I'm just a teenage girl. Yesterday, I may have been sad, but I was mostly angry. Angry at who? I was angry at myself. Everyone has their high points, where they smile and have a reason to, and nothing can bring them down. But sometimes your smile is only lit up by your dreams, and when you realize your dreams will never come true, that is where there are low points. Yesterday, and today for that matter, was a low point. During my low points, I just feel sorry for myself. I am angry. I get angry at people for no reason. But, if you feel sorry for yourself, no one else does. But I don't need other people's pity. I just need a reason to smile, and frankly, I can't find one.
Today's song of the day is "Intensity In Ten Cities" by Chiodos. The refrain of that song is something I find myself relating to as I sing it.
"I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on
And you can say that I'm just feeling sorry for myself"
I am most certainly not the one that he wants. Even if I had him, I would probably let him down, because maybe he was expecting someone perfect. Therefore, I would let him down. And the fact that I'm in love with him? Yes, I'm pretty sure that he has caught on. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself.
But why? Why do I care so much about him? I always think about him, and what I wish it would be like. What is that? Is it love? It doesn't feel like it. Shouldn't love make you happy?
I guess I'm just being hopeless and pathetic. Reality hits you hard, but it's happened before. I can move on. I can keep dreaming. So, how about a subject change?
I am lucky enough to have some great, close friends. Even if I had no friends, I would always have Yuuki. A person can have a lot of friends, but every friend serves a different purpose in their life, and that's why they are all important. One of my closest friends loves band and music and all of that stuff, so I'll call her Symphony. Symphony and I actually became friends in seventh grade, but we got very close in eighth. The great thing about her is that I can trust her with anything. There is nothing that I keep from her, because I know that she's not the type to tell other people what I tell her. Symphony and I are very different, but we get along better than a lot of people do with their own siblings. She hates the music I listen to, we like different types of guys, we never agree on anything. But we do have our similarities. Another close friend of mine is the friend that I have everything in common with. Let's call her Alexandria. I don't know why, really. Probably because I'm listening to Asking Alexandria... Anyway, Alexandria and I have been close since we were in first grade. Over the years, we grew apart a bit, but in middle school we were close again. Now, Alexandria and I are still very close and have everything in common. Well, almost everything. We both listen to the same music, wear similar clothing, play the same instruments, love to sing, we even look similar. I think someone once mistakened us to be sisters, while my twin sister was also with me. I find this humerous. But, near the end of my freshman year, I realized how different we actually were, and I guess she did too, because she started ignoring me to talk to people she could relate to more. She didn't always ignore me, though. I mean, we still talked all the time, but there are some things we can't relate to each other anymore about, but I really wish we could. Like guys for example. Guys? Sure, I fall for them all the time. A boyfriend? That's a different story. I have been single for fifteen years. It's not something I am proud of. Alexandria is the friend who can always make me smile, and who I can relate to about the most random things. I also consider Yuuki a close friend. Other than that, I don't have many other close friends, but I do have many more friends. I have friends who are like older sisters or brothers to me. I have friends who are closer to my sister than they are to me, but I still talk to them a lot. I have friends from other countries. But I also have some friends that I need to keep in front of me, because if I let them get behind me, they'll most likely stab me in the back. Of course, these friends have all done something to make them lose my trust. One of them even lied to me and said she'd ask out Light for me. Then, she told me that he said yes, and she had me almost believing her. But there was still a part of me that didn't believe her, so another friend of mine asked him personally if she even talked to him about it. Of course she didn't, and Light ended up finding out how I felt about him. And does he care? My guess would be no. Her lying to me ruined so much, including my trust in her as a friend and any dreams I had of Light actually considering going out with me.... Oh, well. There's only one thing that you can learn from people like that.
Don't trust anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment