This Is A Party Without The People, This Is A Show Without The Sound

Today's song of the day would have to be . . . "There's A Class For This" by Cute Is What We Aim For. A class for what? I have no idea. The song doesn't really make any sense. But neither does my mood right now.

Today, I took a moment to welcome back a world that I kind of love. The sky was bright blue, with big, white, puffy clouds. The weather was perfect. It was warm outside, with a cool breeze. But, nothing really happened today. So, I find myself wondering where this optimism is coming from. The weather? Does the weather really control my emotions? Is that even possible? Well, you never know. The only things I did today were eat and read. Sure, I played a few songs on my guitar, wrote a little bit, but I spent most of my day reading. I definitely didn't remember how intriguing "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants" was when I picked it up this morning. If you're actually reading this and you don't know the story, Google it or something.

As a middle school girl, I was obsessed with that book. I used to want to be just like Bridget. Bridget is the tall, thin girl with flowing blonde hair, who plays sports and attracts guys easily. Well, you can only guess how that one turned out. *laughes* By this time, I thought I would transform myself into some perfect athlete girl with a boyfriend. That is definitely not what happened... but let me tell you what did.

Right now, I am a fifteen year old girl in the marching band, who is not concerned with her gym class grade, let alone sports. But, I am perfectly fine with the person I turned out to be. To be honest, the one thing I hate most about myself is my outer appearance. I'm about of average height, which is fine, I guess. Taller than some, shorter than some. I have thick legs, wide hips, and a soft, round stomach full of food, which I am not very proud of. Only a few areas of my skin aren't hiding beneath a dry, bumpy, pink rash. Doctors call it "eczema." I call it something along the lines of "hell." If I treat it every night, it goes away. I should be thankful for that, but I always wonder why I should have to cover myself in lotions and ointments every night when other people have naturally smooth skin and they don't have to worry about doing such a thing. Well, life isn't fair, I guess. I already figured that out a long, long time ago. I have naturally dark blonde hair, which my mother says people would kill for, but I don't see why. I'd much rather dye it black, to be honest. While, writing this, I found myself wondering if someone has actually killed someone so they can have their hair....? The way the world is today, I wouldn't doubt it. Basically, I'm not perfect. But who is? So, I have a rash. I'm fat. I have hair that's caught in that unattractive place between brown and blonde. But, it could be worse. I could have skin cancer instead of eczema. I could be starving instead of overweight. I could have leukemia and have no hair instead of a full head of thick hair. Then it wouldn't matter what color it was. I could be dead. People always take what they have for granted.

So, this post took me two days to write. Today's song is "Kelsey" by Metro Station. It used to be my favorite song a while back. I used to listen to it on one of the red swings at the playground and think about school. And guys. And life. Even as a middle schooler, I was still a thinker, a dreamer. Well, back in fifth, sixth, and seventh grade, I just wanted to be popular. To be accepted by people. To play sports and go out with this blonde jock kid who was a year older than me. I'm glad I never actually tried any of those things. In eigth grade, I guess my biggest dream was to marry Grey or something. I was a little eccentric. I still am. How did we get from "Kelsey" by Metro Station to my life as a preteen? I don't even know....

A while back, I was talking with one of my close friends. Let's call him David. Short bio on David: I developed my taste in music from him during my freshman year. During the same year, I had a crush on him that only lasted a few months, if that. It ended when I found out he was gay, and after I got to know him a little better. He enjoys making fun of people, he has OCD, and he likes indie music. Our tastes in music kind of switched, except I wasn't really into indie before. At the beginning of my freshman year, I was the one listening to chill acoustic music and he was the one listening to intense screamo. Now, it's kind of reversed. Anyway, David and I were making fun of something that one girl wrote in my yearbook about coming to youth group at church more often. I used to go a little, but I didn't really feel accepted, so I stopped going. I think you can be a Christian without going to youth group every Sunday night. So, David told me to tell her I was an atheist because no one talked to me at youth group. Then, he asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes, but I expected him to say no. God supposedly doesn't like gay people, which I think is like bullying. *laughes* Well, it's true! You can't just leave someone unincluded (is that a word?) because they're a trouser pilot! *laughes again* Now, I'm the one being mean... Shame, shame. Anyway, he said yes, but quickly rephrased himself with "I'm a Christian with doubts." And I realized, that is exactly what I am also. I believe in God, but I am a sinner, and I have my doubts. I listen to music about hating God, I curse, I think about other things in church instead of pay attention, I only pray when I need something. And sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't answer my prayers. Sometimes, I wonder if He's even listening. But, I guess everyone has had their doubts about God and whatnot. And isn't everyone a sinner? Apparently, God loves everyone, even if they do sin. I hope that's true. *Laughes nervously*

Maybe On The Other Side The Grass Might Be Greener...

During the summer, the days seem very long and boring. Sometimes it seems that all I ever do these days is play my guitar, blog, go on Facebook, water flowers, read, sleep, go to the grocery store. It's all very boring. And for a season that everyone loves, summer hasn't even been looking that nice lately. I can't really remember the last time I saw a blue sky... They're always white or gray anymore... I really want it be to autumn. But, not this coming autumn. I'd like to go back to last autumn, when I had more reasons to have a smile on my face than I do now. Or maybe I wasn't any happier then. Maybe I was always this miserable.

I started this post on a Monday, and today is a Tuesday. Yesterday's song of the day was "Chelsea Smile" by Bring Me The Horizon. Today's song is "All I Want" by A Day To Remember. "All I Want" is the kind of song that I can never pass when my iPod is on shuffle, even if I'm not in a bad mood. The song is very intense and fast, the kind of song you listen to when you want to block out the world around you. I really wish I could do that right now, but my headphones are broken. And of course, I can't afford a new pair.

The one thing I probably talk about the most is my whole situation, if you can call it that, with Light. But he is constantly on my mind. I mean, I think about other things, but he's always in the back of my mind, and I can see him there. He smiles to himself as he slowly takes over my mind and turns me into a miserable trainwreck of a teenage girl. But outside the barriers of my mind, and inside of his, I do not exist. Being invisible is a horrible feeling. I know I should be used to it, but it's always the same. The only thing I try to hide from in life is reality. But it always finds me. It seeps into my mind, the perfect hiding place. It pulls on the corners of my mouth until it turns my smile into a frown. But, it doesn't leave. At least, it hasn't left since it found me again.

But, to put it simply, reality shouldn't suck so much, really. So, why does it?

Let's Leave No Words Unspoken

My last post was a little upsetting, but I just felt like I needed to get those feelings out at some point. My mood changes so much I might as well be bipolar. But I'm not. I'm just a teenage girl. Yesterday, I may have been sad, but I was mostly angry. Angry at who? I was angry at myself. Everyone has their high points, where they smile and have a reason to, and nothing can bring them down. But sometimes your smile is only lit up by your dreams, and when you realize your dreams will never come true, that is where there are low points. Yesterday, and today for that matter, was a low point. During my low points, I just feel sorry for myself. I am angry. I get angry at people for no reason. But, if you feel sorry for yourself, no one else does. But I don't need other people's pity. I just need a reason to smile, and frankly, I can't find one.

Today's song of the day is "Intensity In Ten Cities" by Chiodos. The refrain of that song is something I find myself relating to as I sing it.

"I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on
And you can say that I'm just feeling sorry for myself"

I am most certainly not the one that he wants. Even if I had him, I would probably let him down, because maybe he was expecting someone perfect. Therefore, I would let him down. And the fact that I'm in love with him? Yes, I'm pretty sure that he has caught on. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself.

But why? Why do I care so much about him? I always think about him, and what I wish it would be like. What is that? Is it love? It doesn't feel like it. Shouldn't love make you happy?

I guess I'm just being hopeless and pathetic. Reality hits you hard, but it's happened before. I can move on. I can keep dreaming. So, how about a subject change?

I am lucky enough to have some great, close friends. Even if I had no friends, I would always have Yuuki. A person can have a lot of friends, but every friend serves a different purpose in their life, and that's why they are all important. One of my closest friends loves band and music and all of that stuff, so I'll call her Symphony. Symphony and I actually became friends in seventh grade, but we got very close in eighth. The great thing about her is that I can trust her with anything. There is nothing that I keep from her, because I know that she's not the type to tell other people what I tell her. Symphony and I are very different, but we get along better than a lot of people do with their own siblings. She hates the music I listen to, we like different types of guys, we never agree on anything. But we do have our similarities. Another close friend of mine is the friend that I have everything in common with. Let's call her Alexandria. I don't know why, really. Probably because I'm listening to Asking Alexandria... Anyway, Alexandria and I have been close since we were in first grade. Over the years, we grew apart a bit, but in middle school we were close again. Now, Alexandria and I are still very close and have everything in common. Well, almost everything. We both listen to the same music, wear similar clothing, play the same instruments, love to sing, we even look similar. I think someone once mistakened us to be sisters, while my twin sister was also with me. I find this humerous. But, near the end of my freshman year, I realized how different we actually were, and I guess she did too, because she started ignoring me to talk to people she could relate to more. She didn't always ignore me, though. I mean, we still talked all the time, but there are some things we can't relate to each other anymore about, but I really wish we could. Like guys for example. Guys? Sure, I fall for them all the time. A boyfriend? That's a different story. I have been single for fifteen years. It's not something I am proud of. Alexandria is the friend who can always make me smile, and who I can relate to about the most random things. I also consider Yuuki a close friend. Other than that, I don't have many other close friends, but I do have many more friends. I have friends who are like older sisters or brothers to me. I have friends who are closer to my sister than they are to me, but I still talk to them a lot. I have friends from other countries. But I also have some friends that I need to keep in front of me, because if I let them get behind me, they'll most likely stab me in the back. Of course, these friends have all done something to make them lose my trust. One of them even lied to me and said she'd ask out Light for me. Then, she told me that he said yes, and she had me almost believing her. But there was still a part of me that didn't believe her, so another friend of mine asked him personally if she even talked to him about it. Of course she didn't, and Light ended up finding out how I felt about him. And does he care? My guess would be no. Her lying to me ruined so much, including my trust in her as a friend and any dreams I had of Light actually considering going out with me.... Oh, well. There's only one thing that you can learn from people like that.

Don't trust anyone.

The Rain, It Drips, The Raindrops Dripping...

Today's song of the day is "Blame It On The Rain" by He Is We. It's a sad, hopeful song about being in love with someone who's in love with someone else.

Now, about my title of this post, today was actually rather sunny, warm, and breezy. But in my mind, I can hear the raindrops hitting the pavements, the thunder echoing through the sky. My mind is a storm right now.

Everyone has gotten upset over something stupid. But, not everyone gets depressed over something stupid. Sadly, I do get depressed over the stupidest things. The stupid thing?

Light.

Last night, I slept at a friend's house. During the dead hours of the night, I was awake, listening to music, and the only thing I could think about was Light. I was in dreamer mode. The only things that passed through this head of mine was daydreams. So many perfect daydreams. Happy endings. But eventually, the thing I run from, reality, caught up with me.

Light does not know me. I barely know Light. Light is so far away from me. So far, even if I stood right in front of him. Because even then, he would never see me. Why? Why does he have to be so blind? Why can't life be a fairytale? But, then again, why am I so blind? I can't see that there is nothing that could possibly come out of my infatuation. I still hold on to the little shred of hope in his smile. But why? Because I'm a dreamer. That's why. What is he to me? A mystery, beautiful, somehow perfect for me. But why? What makes me believe that a boy I barely know, who barely knows me can be perfect for me? What am I to him? My guess would be nothing. I'm so sick of all of this! I'm sick of not meaning anything to him! I'm so sick of being a hopeless romantic, just begging someone to make her ridiculous dreams come true! Why does it have to be like this?

Why is it that his smile can set me off into neverending daydreams, but reality has to creep up behind me like a gray cloud and dump all this rain on me?

I could really use some blue paint right now....

"Reality Is A Lovely Place But I Wouldn't Want To Live There"

Today's song of the day is "The Bird And The Worm" by Owl City. Owl City was the first band that I ever fell in love with. The man behind this band, Adam Young, makes his music so cute and optimistic that it's hard to hate it, though many people do. I like a lot of dark, miserable music, so Adam Young's optimistic electronic pop music always puts an instant smile on my face. This music is almost like an escape from the real world, because Adam Young creates a new, perfect, candyland-like, fantasy world in his lyrics. In his world, there's such thing as avalanches of fruit, technicolor phases, and vanilla twilights. As a writer, I look up to other writers. Adam Young is a huge inspiration to me. His writing sounds a little nonsensical at first, but if you actually read it, there is meaning behind every song he writes. "The Bird And The Worm" is about being in love. It's a sweet song, and it's fun to play on the guitar.

"You're the bird, I'm the worm, and it's plain to see that we were meant to be"
I guess that's all for today. Wow, the only thing I even talked about was Owl City. Oh, well. What else do I have to talk about?

Merrily We Fall Out Of Line...

Today's song of the day is "Speak Up" by Show Me The Skyline. :) It's one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard. It's the kind of upbeat love song that just can make anyone smile.

"Tell me all your hopes girl, and all your wishes, too
I will do my best girl, to make them all come true"

A girl can dream, right?

Not a lot of people can say that they have known their best friend since the moment they were born. But not a lot of people have a twin sister, either. Let's call my twin sister Yuuki. In Japanese, that translates to "kind princess," I think. My sister would know better than I would. She's into Japanese anime and manga and whatnot. I mean, I am too, but that's basically all she reads. My sister is a minute older than I am, but sometimes it seems as if I'm actually the older sister. I don't exactly know why, really. Yuuki and I may look alike, and have the same tastes in just about everything, but we have different personalities. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met, while I am definitely less of a forgiving person. The supposed friend who made fun of my sister's blog all over facebook and blamed it on someone else? The girl who lied to me about something important and still denies she did so? The boys in my class who constantly tried to ruin my life with insulting words in middle school? The thirteen year old boy that treats Yuuki like a princess one day but then completely ignores her the next? I forgive none of them.

My sister also tends to hide her emotions. If someone breaks her heart, she doesn't ignore the whole world and wait for someone to ask her what's wrong. She simply acts as if nothing has happened, until she's alone, or with me. I wrote a song for Yuuki a while back called "Smile And A Broken Heart."

"Smile And A Broken Heart" was inspired by my sister's "almost fairytale." It was her freshman year, her second year in colorguard. She just minded her own business, twirled her flag, and caught the attention of a trombone player, then in seventh grade. It was his first year in marching band. The first time they talked was at a football game earlier in the season. They bonded over music, but don't we all? Let's call him Oliver. To put it simply, Oliver was a nice kid, but his ego was rather large, but this is something that went unnoticed by Yuuki. In the fall, Oliver and Yuuki spent almost every day together, and every Friday night. On one particular Friday night, on the way home from an away football game, Yuuki sat near Oliver on the band bus. They listened to his iPod together, and sang Never Shout Never songs word for word. That same night Oliver realized that he in fact had developed a crush on my sister, and as all fairytales go, she fell for him. Oliver always denied his feelings when asked about them, and he had pretty good reasoning. He had a girlfriend. Oliver and Yuuki had a lot of good times together, but the fairytale they both dreamed of never really played out the way they planned. Oliver was very sweet to my sister. He acted differently around her than he did around other people, but in a good way. He bought her food, he sang with her, he played guitar with her before practices, he let her feed him french fries, he agreed to take her to a dance and pay for both of them. But that's where everything went wrong. This would've been their first actual date, and that is why some of his friends convinced him not to take Yuuki to that dance. Why? Oliver still had a girlfriend, and it would've been wrong. But, when you're in love, sometimes right and wrong doesn't matter. After Oliver left his princess alone at the ball, Yuuki still faced the world with a smile. And a broken heart.

Things were never the same between Yuuki and Oliver, and I know that Yuuki spends a lot of her time thinking about the past, and how much fun they had together. She thinks about what could've been different, but don't we all? I look back on my past and find myself wondering "What if I had done this differently? Would something be different?" but wondering and regretting gets us nowhere.

Grey & Light

I promised to tell these stories, and here they are.

It was my first year of marching band, my first year of high school. Eighth grade. I was thirteen and rapidly falling for a seventeen year old who had a girlfriend. His name was Grey. 

In my warped little preteen mind, Grey was the closest thing to perfect I had ever seen. He had long brown hair, a disarming smile, a charming attitude, and soft brown eyes. He played tuba in the marching band, and he played guitar. He also played the bagpipes, which I thought was just the best damn thing ever. Maybe because it made him different. Or maybe because he managed to look good in a plaid skirt. But I later found out that Grey was no different than any other guy. His attitude toward me showed obviously no interest, but that I was too young, and not good enough for him. Near the end of my freshman year, I found out that he had cheated on his girlfriend with a girl who was my age. Though he no longer meant anything to me, knowing this still kind of hurt me. Because I wasn't good enough, but somehow, she was.

I was obsessed with Grey for almost a year. I hoped to see him everywhere I went, and when I did see him, I was thrilled. He inspired poetry in my old notebook, he put smiles on my face, but only a few. But, he also made me incredibly upset. I was completely depressed. I can see it in the words I wrote about him, so deep, so laced with my hopes, my dreams for him to turn that permanent frown he put on my face into a big smile. But, he never did, of course.

Then, one day while I was eating lunch, I saw a guy at a lunch table not far from mine. He looked vaguely familar, and completely out of place at the table he sat at. I realized that I recognized him because a friend of mine used to go out with him. I found myself oddly attracted to him. This led to my obsession with Grey slowly disappearing. I have to admit, when I saw Grey, at dances with his girlfriend, at football games, my heart still ached with that unrequited love he put there, but that pain soon disappeared.

I have to thank the guy at his lunch table, completely unaware that I was watching him, for that. For the rest of the year, I continued watching him in silence, with eyes that begged him to look my way. He did, but he looked straight through me.

His name is Light.

"Free Hugs." These were the words scrawled across his black t-shirt in big, white, lettering. Some people would say that wearing a "Free Hugs" shirt is creepy. I would've said that same thing, but this was different. As soon as I saw that shirt, I saw an opportunity. After school that day, that opportunity presented itself in the front lobby. I took that opportunity, and threw my arms around him. It was just a hug. I didn't know what I was getting myself into at the time. I didn't see the four songs in my black and white notebook. I didn't see myself laying on my bed, writing them, him being the only thing on my mind. You can't predict falling for someone.

Let's call him Light. It's corny, but he lit the way out of the dark place that I found myself in when I was obsessed with Grey. (And I'm a Death Note fan, so.) It's amazing how falling for someone else can help you out in trying to get over someone. But then, I found myself stuck in the same situation, and that situation is called unrequited love. But, I'd rather not think about that. 

Light... He has brown hair, but he has it dyed black. He has the nicest eyes, but I never really paid much attention to the color of them. Brown, maybe? Every time those eyes met mine, I had a tendency to look away. What was I trying to hide anyway? Sometimes I felt like he knew, like I made it too obvious. But I thought that if he knew, he would just sweep me off of my feet. Just like in the movies. Well, that's not the way it ended up, anyway. He knows now, I'm sure of it. Does he care? I don't think I'll ever know. A few weeks ago, I sat in a cold folding chair playing "Pomp & Circumstance" as he walked across the field, and straight out of my life. For good. I found him after the ceremony. Once more, I found myself in the opportunity I found myself in while I stood in that lobby. I found one of my arms wrapped around him, the other holding a few music stands. I said "congratulations." He smiled said "thank you." That was it. Will I ever see him again? Walk down a hallway and realize he is walking beside me, and completely freak out inside? What if I forget the way his eyes looked when he met my gaze in a crowded room? But how could I forget that?

Last night, I dreamt of him. Ever since summer vacation began, I have been getting a lot of sleep, and a lot of dreams. Most of my dreams are about him. In my last one, I was talking to him about how my friend had spent twenty-five dollars on a pair of socks. It didn't make any sense at all, but just seeing him, even if it is only a dream, leaves me waking up with a smile on my face.... But then I realize, dreams are only dreams. Nothing more than a thought, only happening inside of my mind.

To me, Light is so many things. But the strangest thing he is to me is my dream catcher.

Light is just a boy running through a field at twilight. I'm just a firefly he's caught in a jelly jar. Now, I can only watch him from the other side of the glass. I'm thanking my lucky stars that he poked holes in the lid, because he is taking my breath away.

Try Not To Mistake What You Have With What You Hate

My song of the day is "C'mon" by Panic! At the Disco feat. Fun. Have you ever listened to a song that just left a smile on your face after it was over? And then, you simply rewind it and listen to it again. And again. And again. I can listen to some songs over and over again and never get bored with them. I find myself memorizing ever beat, every second of the song. "C'mon" is one of those songs. If you like upbeat, daydream-y music, look it up.

So the story we were supposed to be diving right into? Welcome to page one.

Freshman year was one of the longest school years I have ever been through. But for some odd reason, it feels like just yesterday, I walked into an unfamilar classroom in a purple v-neck t-shirt and a black tutu-style miniskirt, trying to get used to people that I had never been in homeroom with before in my life. I can still hear the rude comments of the boys sitting around me, how I pretended that if I ignored them, they would just slowly fade away. In my mind, I pictured them dying. Ceiling tiles would fall from the ceiling onto their heads. Whoops. Fiction is always ten thousand times better than reality. Or ten million, for that matter. It also feels as if just yesterday, I was handed a brand new laptop from my school, before anyone else was allowed to have theirs. It was for a class, but I felt pretty special, going on Facebook during class and taking funny Photobooth pictures with my friends, even though the purpose of having them was to learn how to use Photoshop.

So many things happened during my freshman year. I got over the first guy I was in love with. Scratch that. I was just obsessed with him. Let's call him Grey. We'll tell his story another time. I also bought myself my first acoustic guitar. I got closer to some friends, lost a few, made a few, and I'm still mad at a few. I developed a much different taste in music. Trust me, at the beginning of my freshman year, I didn't expect to be listening to post-hardcore bands that scream instead of sing. I also didn't expect to be head over heels for a guy I barely knew at all. Which is also a story for another time.

Let's just tell the story of today. Because that's all life is. Random days and events, soon to be forgotten not much later. Why not record them?

Today is Father's Day. I am lucky enough to have a great father who is always around. Well, he's always around because he's been unemployed since I was twelve. But I guess I'm okay with that. Or maybe I've just gotten used to that. My dad can always make my laugh, but he can also ruin my day just as easily. It's funny how honesty works. I went to church this morning, and the pastor said that it has been scientifically proven that children who have loving, caring, fathers grow up to be better people. Is this true? Well, I guess I'll grow up and find out.

The other day, my sister baked banana bread. She instructed me to beat an egg for her, so I did. In front of me in a bowl, there was thick yellow liquid. It was a baby chicken. I had thrown it in a bowl and beaten it down to a liquid with a fork. I didn't like, cry in sympathy and become a vegan, but a thought crossed my mind. I found myself wondering, what if the world was different, and chickens acted like humans, while us humans were like their chickens? What if a chicken was beating an egg, and getting ready to bake it into a small loaf of bread? What if that egg was a human egg? An embryo? What if the egg was me? What if a chicken baked me into banana bread? What would that make me? Well, eventually it would make me chicken shit. What else is new? Weird thoughts go through this head of mine.

The Girl With Blue Paint

To whomever may be reading, welcome! :)

I'm not sure what to treat this opening post as. The explanation on the back of a paperback novel? Or the author's note on the first page? Or the little paragraph on the inside cover about the author? But I have a better idea. Why don't we just dive into the story? Who even reads that other crap anyway?

"Thoughts & Opinions Of A Girl With Blue Paint." Doesn't make much sense yet, does it?

 Basically, in a world of gray skies, I'm a girl with blue paint. I'm not saying I'm an optimist, because I'm not. Actually, I've never understood optmists. Their happiness and confidence has always irked me, because it's something I can't quite grasp. My skies are gray more than they are sunny. But, hey, what's wrong with wanting to change that? A girl can dream, right? And the "Thoughts & Opinions" part? Keep reading and find out!

Just like any other teenager, I want people to understand me. But, I only want people to understand me because no one really does. Who would understand a girl who writes songs for boys that she barely knows? Or who wears long pants in ninety degree weather? Or who is unbelievablely lazy, yet really wants to get a job? Or who chooses to create a blog after seeing the consequences of trusting the world with your secrets? Well, I have perfectly good reasoning for all of those things, that most people just don't understand. Want to understand me? Well, you can bet your ass you've come to the right place.