He watches me play my guitar. I watch him play his. We laugh. We talk. We have fun. It’s a great Wednesday morning. Until I ruin it.
We walk up the stairs. First period has already begun. He’s in a rush. He doesn’t want to be late. It takes a lot of trying, but it comes out. Somewhere in the garbled nonsense falling from my mouth comes the words "I really like you." He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t scoop me in his arms and kiss me like I want him to. He nods a little. He says "okay." His voice is quiet. He is gone. I go to class.
I feel sweated and uncomfortable. My face is too warm. When did it get so hot? I feel like my head is going to explode into a million pieces. I want to disappear. I vaguely hear my Driver’s Ed teacher as she speaks. I learn nothing. My mind only stops racing when we watch a video about a few teenagers who have lost their friends in car crashes. It is then that I realize that compared to that, this thing I’m dealing with is nothing. But I still can’t help but feel like
I’ve
made
the
worst
mistake
ever.
Cassidy and Yuuki want to know exactly what happened. I tell them the truth. Nothing. They think I’m sad. I’m not sad. I’m going insane with worry. Did I ruin that nice thing that we just had minutes before?
In Chemistry, Cassidy tells me she loves me a lot and acts like she’s trying to cheer me up. Why is she doing this? This can’t be the end yet, can it? There’s still time for a happy ending, isn’t there?
In Drawing, I forget about everything. I look in a mirror and I draw my eye. My eyes look green today, not as brown. The drawing looks bad. I leave to go to the bathroom. When I leave the art room, I remember. Art is an escape, and now I come down from the cloud it puts me on. In the bathroom, I look in the mirror and fix my eyeliner. The girl in the mirror looks back at me with those oddly green eyes. You’re stupid, I think. Why did you do that? You ruined everything! She looks back at me with the same forlorn stare I give her, and doesn’t answer me. I grab my purse to leave, only to face her again in the small, scratched mirror I gaze into to draw my eye.
Then, I leave, on the way to my Geometry test, almost positive that I’ll be getting a C on it. Maybe a high D. Possibly a low B, if I’m lucky, which I don’t think I am. Never, ever an A. Not in Geometry. Never. I see Jordan out of the corner of my eye. I see him, but I don’t look at him. Does he look at me? What is he thinking? I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I slip into class where he can’t see me, and take my test. It’s a bit difficult, but easier than I expected. I write down numbers and equations and all my mind does is
W
O
R
R
Y.
I sit in fifth period, history class. I have an assignment that I ignore. The teacher comes over to talk to me. He sits on the desk behind me and talks to me about writing a thesis, and where it belongs in the paragraph. It is the third sentence. I thought it was the first. He smells like 5 gum and a tire store. He says I had looked at him like he was insane. I actually didn’t. He just made me feel stupid. Get that. I’m a writer and I don’t even know where to put my thesis.
I eat lunch at a quiet lunch table. I eat pumpkin pie in Child Care class. I go to the printer in French. I see Jordan in the hallway. I look at the floor. Does he look at me? Do I want him to? Why did I make everything so awkward? I want to cry. I’m mentally kicking myself for this.
But, then there’s the happy ending. The hope. Could it still turn out right? My inner dreamer wants to say yes, but reality makes me think otherwise. Am I a pessimist? Or am I right? I’m dying to know, but at the same time, I’m terrified. I went out on that limb, but now I’m dangling from it, holding on, ready to let go. Will he catch me as I fall for him? Or will I hit the ground? Will I land on my feet, hit the ground running? Or fall down hard and lay there broken on the ground? All because
I
went
out
on
a
limb.
Isn’t that where the fruit should be?
I go to the bathroom in French to escape from the project I should be working on. I talk to a friend of mine while I’m in there. She brings up who she likes, some guy I know who’s a really good graffiti artist and has blue hair. Some people are just so open about these things. I wonder if she told him. I tell her that I told the guy that I like that I liked him today. She’s curious to know who it is. I’m reluctant, but I think What the hell do I have to lose now? He knows, so why not tell her? So, I tell her. I tell her that he didn’t give me a straight response and that I’ve been avoiding him all day. She tells me that I should say "What the fuck does ‘okay’ mean? Stop being an assbedonkin!" She’s not the right person to ask, obviously. I get a good laugh, though.
But, maybe that’s what I have to do. Ask him again. Say more. Ask him what he meant by "okay." Does he really think this is okay? Because it’s not okay. I am not okay.
And so, the end of the day has come. I run to the band room to drop off my stuff, practically sprint back up the stairs and outside into the light rain. I wait for him. He always comes over to talk to me at the end of the day. But not today, because
I
ruined
everything.
I see him look at me, but he doesn’t come to me. He doesn’t say a word to me. He only watches me as I watch him. Who will say something first? Is that what this is? A problem solved easily if we both weren’t so damn shy? That sounds too easy, almost like if I talk to him tomorrow, all will be well and I’ll finally be the girl with the happy ending. What if that is what happens?
Sounds great, right? But, judging from today, nothing we ever do goes exactly as we planned, does it?
I knew it was a bad idea to tell Jordan how I feel on a rainy day.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to fix this. At least I’ll try, and that’s the best I can do, right?
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