Everything's So Blurry, And Everyone's So Fake

I scroll through my News Feed on Facebook, absentmindedly reading posts and glancing at photos. Who knew that you could know so much about people you don’t even know? Thank the internet. Or blame the internet. Either way can work. I come across a photo. The photo is of my best friend, Alexandria, holding the person I hate the most in this whole universe in a buddy-buddy hug. The two girls in the picture look like how best friends should look, all smiles and pretty faces. I bite my lip. I hate her. I hate her so much. Not Alexandria, but her.
Who is she?

I think I’ve mentioned her briefly, but I didn’t even give her a name, mostly because I hate thinking about her, I hate ranting about her, I hate her.

I see her in the halls at school, where she usually greets me with a big, gorgeous smile and gives me some sort of sweet-as-sugar compliment. I smile back and say thank you, and it is assumed that everything is fine.

On the outside, maybe it is. Inside of me, my heart burns out and turns to ice, my thoughts explode with hate, my soul turns green just below my skin, just below the outside where everything is fine.
It all started at the end of my freshman year.

Let’s call her Leslie.

Leslie and my sister, Yuuki, had gotten fairly close that year. Leslie seemed like the perfect friend to have. She had what seems like an endless supply of money to spend on band merchandise and bright, cute clothing, she had a sweet, loving boyfriend, she was beyond gorgeous, pretty and petite with long straight hair and a sweet smile, all slightly crooked teeth and shiny pink lip gloss. She listened to great music, and went to concerts with her boyfriend practically every few months. She showered her friends with compliments and always tried to make them feel better when they were down. Trust me, I know all about that. She would always tell me that I have a hundred reasons to smile, and that I look beautiful when I smile, so I should do it more often.

Well, unlike her, I actually don’t look beautiful when I smile, and I don’t have a hundred reasons to.
But, though it may be hard to believe, no one is perfect, not even Leslie.

From the start, I didn’t like Leslie much. Remember when I said about how I felt when I see her? How I said that my "soul turns green?" Well, you can read into that and say that just the sight of her makes me sick, but I was going for a different meaning. My soul turns green with envy.

From the very beginning, I was jealous of Leslie. I was jealous of her even before I knew her, actually. On the evening before Grey’s graduation ceremony, I was a mess. I was upset, fearing that I would never see him again, trying to think of the right thing to say as goodbye. I was in a rush. All of the other band members were already down at the field, setting up their music stands in front of their folding chairs. On the way down to the field, one of the black flip-flops I had been wearing had fallen apart right on my foot. So much for designer sandals, I remember thinking. The shoes had been a hand-me-down from one of my dad’s friends, most likely around thirty dollars at full price, some big name in shoes, Steve Madden, I think.

Now, I was on my way back down to the field in the extra pair of flats I had brought, hands trying to balance a music stand, my clarinet, and my music. Frustrated, I ran into someone I knew, that I had met only a few weeks earlier at a school dance. Let’s call him Brendon. Brendon was Leslie’s boyfriend. He was a year younger than her, in seventh grade at that time. Leslie had brought him to the spring dance, and we had met there. He had instantly struck me as a complete sweetheart, just the way he had comforted Alexandria when she was practically in tears over some boy standing her up. He had genuinely tried to make her feel better, something I would never suspect a twelve or thirteen year old boy to do for anyone.

So, there we were. We said hello and he asked me if there were any soda machines around the school anywhere. I showed him where to find a water machine, since my school was on this big health-food kick and would never serve soda to anyone other than a faculty member. He said thank you, and before he left, he asked me if I needed any help carrying my things down to the field. Inside, something went off in my brain, almost like a light bulb moment. I said no, but thanks anyway. After the ceremony I spotted him once more, and he greeted me with a small wave and a sweet smile. That same light bulb went off in my mind. This time, I even got butterflies.

For only a month or two, I had a small crush on Leslie’s boyfriend. That is where the jealousy started. As time went on, I stopped thinking about Brendon in a romantic way, but freshman year, that envy of Leslie sparked like a little green fire in my mind once more.

She was, and still is, everything that I will never be. Pretty, but not Malibu Barbie pretty, pretty in a unique way. Thin, but not like a stick, more like an hourglass. Happy, with a perfect sweetheart of a boyfriend, tons of friends, a family who didn’t pay attention to anything she did, and a pile of money to spend on all the things that made her so perfect; makeup, clothes, hair dye, the works.

Everything that I will never be.

So there is the jealousy. But where did the hatred come from?

I was on Facebook one night, and I came across a fan page for my sister’s blog. Extremely curious, I went to see who liked it. They were all people I knew vaguely, Light and his friends. Some obnoxious kid in my grade who was Oliver’s older brother. And then there was Leslie. These people actually read my sister’s blog? I told her, and she was so excited. People actually read her blog!

Then, I saw it. A post from Leslie, written on Light’s wall. Using his name in Yuuki’s blog (mentioned because he was the guy I currently liked at that point), she had said this: "Ohai, *Blog name.* ;D" All of the other people who liked the fan page had commented using quotes from Yuuki’s blog, making fun of her words. I froze. Tears stung my eyes. I heard Yuuki singing in the shower. How would I tell her? Light was involved…? Why? What was going on?

There had been a sleepover; one of Light’s friends had invited Leslie and David. A girl there had been friends with one of Yuuki’s friends, and she knew about Yuuki’s blog. For some reason it was brought up. The webpage was opened and every post had been read aloud. I can just see Leslie sitting there, looking at the computer screen, giggling and saying, "Oh my God, this is so hilarious!" Anger boiled in me. I always knew she was bad news, and now I was sure of it. I opened a new message, slammed on the computer keys, using many choice words, practically screaming at her through my words, and sent it right to her.

Then, I messaged David. How had he let this happen? He said he was half-asleep the whole time, but for some reason I didn’t believe him. Even now, when he doesn’t like her as much as I don’t, he would still rather hang out with Leslie than be with me. I was crying. Yuuki came in and I told her. She went upstairs and outside onto the porch and cried, too. Why was Leslie trying to ruin her life? Why were people she didn’t even know trying to ruin her life?

Leslie had given the web address to Yuuki’s blog to both of the guys she liked, so they would read all of it and it would humiliate Yuuki even more. She told Oliver’s brother to read the posts about him aloud to him. She even taped an obscene letter to the other guy’s front door with Band-Aids, which said things that Yuuki would never say to him, with the web address at the bottom.

Days passed. Three people apologized to Yuuki. One was Light, one was one of Light’s friends, and one was Leslie. Light had said that everything had been Leslie’s idea, and he felt terrible, because he gets made fun of all the time and he didn’t know why he would even consider making fun of someone else. Light’s friend had said that she knew that it was a really stupid thing to do, and Yuuki didn’t have to forgive her, but she still wanted to apologize. Leslie’s apology was sprinkled with anger, and it didn’t even seem sincere. Yet, Yuuki still accepted it anyway. I don’t see why. In school a few days later, they hugged and everything was fine. I refused to even look at her. She would’ve never suspected how much I hated her, how much I still hate her.

She had tried to ruin Yuuki’s life, ruin her relationships, ruin her chances with any of the guys she was interested in.

It hasn’t even been a year since it happened. Why does everyone forget? Sometimes, Yuuki even forgets. But, every time I see Leslie’s pretty little face, I want to tear it right off of her pretty little head. As weeks go by, other terrible, not-so-perfect things are revealed about Leslie. Like how she cheats on her sweet boyfriend all of the time, constantly flirting with other guys and even doing physical things with them behind Brendon’s back. And Brendon has no clue. Brendon came to guitar club on the day I told Jordan I liked him, and just seeing him made me feel this incredible sadness for him, made me want to tell him about the horrible things his perfect little girlfriend has been doing to him. Two years of dating. Two years. He needs to know.

Leslie had tried to ruin my sister’s life. Maybe I could try to ruin hers. But, see, I would never do that. I would never stoop so low.

So, to see my best friend with her completely broke my heart. They looked pretty and happy, like real best friends, friends who can actually relate to each other about normal things like guys and secrets. I can never relate to Alexandria anymore. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even kissed a guy before. I don’t have juicy secrets. I can’t talk for hours upon hours about regular girly things, because I have nothing to contribute. I’m practically not even a girl. I’m a mess of a person, who does nothing but write, play computer games, read books, dream about a boy who most likely wants nothing to do with her, and play her guitar so much that her fingertips are hard and calloused.

I’m a terrible friend. I don’t give good advice, because I’m more of a listener than a talker. All I ever want to talk about is how much I hate myself and my life, all of the things that go wrong. But that’s only because nothing ever goes right. Ever.

Take this week for example. I was supposed to sell some of my clothing. With the money, I was supposed to go out and buy new headphones, hair dye because my roots are starting to show, foundation, and pencil eyeliner. I was supposed to pay my English teacher back for the books I had ordered from her. Now she’ll probably think I’m a complete scumbag because I haven’t given her the money for weeks, and I probably still won’t have it. I was supposed to put aside four or five dollars for the winter formal on Saturday night. I’m supposed to ask Jordan to the formal next week, and he’ll probably say no. Why wouldn’t he?

So, out of pity, my nana is taking me out to buy my headphones and hair dye. She’s paying my way into the formal. All because my (not-so) Great Aunt wouldn’t accept my old clothes and buy it for her thrift store, even though she knows my family is practically in poverty. My dad hasn’t had a job in four years. My mom has two jobs, but she only makes enough to pay her bills, buy her and my father’s cigarettes, and put gas in her car. My nana pays some of our bills, and she pays the computer bill. My other grandmother, my mom’s mom, is always lending our family money, so much that my mother feels guilty about it. I had to get a new pair of glasses that don’t even look nice on me, just because my mother couldn’t afford nicer ones or contacts. The government pays for our groceries. I get lunch for free at school. For my fifteenth birthday, I don’t remember my parents getting me much of anything. But, I don’t blame them. I forgive them, I understand.

My parents are both very depressed. Today, in the car, they were arguing over who would get to commit suicide first. I know that they won’t actually do it, but I know that deep down, they both want to sometimes. Why wouldn’t they? Everywhere they turn, every time they see a light leading the way to a way out, they just run into yet another brick wall. But, I don’t know what I do without them. They may not have a lot to give, but they are the best parents a girl could ask for.

Do you see what I mean? Do you see why it would be so hard for my friends to relate to me, with their cozy little lives, pockets full of cash, their pretty faces, their list of past boyfriends and their current ones?

I’m just a nobody. I’m never happy. I don’t have any money. I’m fifteen and I’ve never had a cell phone, yet I stopped caring about that two years ago. I’m borrowing David’s old iPod because mine broke a while back. I go shopping for new clothes three times a year, at the most. I eat when I’m unhappy, which explains being God-knows-how-many pounds overweight, which makes me even more upset. I’m not pretty, just a girl with short, uncooperative hair and an unremarkable face, who never gets a second glance. I’m the girl who goes to glow parties and school dances with her friends and awkwardly dances alone while her friends dance with guys and actually have a good time. I’m the girl who awkwardly stands there while the attractive guy flirts with her friends. Maybe that’s just what I am. Awkward. Alone. Single for almost sixteen years. Pitied by her friends, who constantly try to make her feel better about herself, even though they know they are lying.

I go to church every Sunday, but sometime I wonder why God didn’t give me a perfect life, like the life that Leslie lives. I wonder why God didn’t make me beautiful. Leslie, and probably most of the other people with perfect lives in the world, are atheists. What did I, a Christian, ever do to make God so mad at me?

I just want to be happy. I want to be good enough for Jordan. I want to be good enough for my best friend. I want to look in the mirror every morning and actually like what I see.

I wish confidence, self-esteem, and happiness were all things that I could just take some sort of pill for, and feel them immediately with the occasional symptom of a problem, only to be solved by taking another pill for optimism. But, all of those things are not the kind of thing I can pick up at CVS for a few dollars. I probably wouldn’t even be able to afford them anyway, with my luck. Those things are all things that I have no idea how to find, and I probably never will. But, where did they go in the first place?

Thank God It's Friday

It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend.

That reference was completely unnecessary, especially since I’m not in the mood to be quoting any upbeat song, let alone Rebecca Black. But, it is Friday.

Sometimes, I swear January’s life is like a soap opera. She’s like, a walking, talking disaster zone. I mean, who falls for a homeless drug addict kid and ends up being stalked by him? Who has two boyfriends at once? Who has already had two guys ask to marry them at sixteen? Who is made fun of every single day of their life? Who constantly worries about being pregnant? Who actually wants to be pregnant? Who has sex with a guy after only a few days of dating? Who does that?? Well, the answer is January. I love her to death, but why does she come to me for advice? I’ve never been in one relationship, let alone two at the same time. And so, I always end up doing the best I can, telling her what I think is the right answer, but then the very next day, something dramatic and horrible happens, and I’m proven wrong. And, not to mention, she never listens to me, anyway. I hate to say anything bad about January (doesn’t everybody do that?), but I needed to rant somewhere, and this seems like the safest place. January’s life is becoming too much to handle in my calm, quiet, little-girl life that I live.

And then, there are my problems. Compared to January’s, they seem almost unimportant, easy to deal with.

Trust me, they’re not.

It’s almost like nothing happened. It’s almost like I never said anything. It’s like we’re both avoiding the horrible, humiliating outburst I made on Wednesday morning.

It’s driving me insane.

What should I do? I need to ask him out properly, don’t I? How? When? Where? WHY? Shouldn’t "I really like you" be enough? Shouldn’t I already know what he thinks? Shouldn’t he get it? But, I don’t know if he does. I can feel it in the air when he’s around me. I remember catching him looking at me in guitar club on Wednesday, the way our eyes met, and he looked back down at his guitar, the music he makes up as he goes along in that amazing way of his. He hasn't looked into my eyes like that since I told him. I just want to look into those pretty, sometimes brown, sometimes green eyes like my own and know how he feels.  He’s not saying anything, but he has a reason. He isn’t avoiding me, but he’s avoiding the whole situation, acting like
It
never
happened.

But, it did. I remember it so vividly. Why wouldn’t I remember something like that? It was one of the most
F
 R
I
 G
H
 T
E
 N
I
 N
G
moments of my life. Oh, and I made a complete ass out of myself. Now what? What do I say? Do I have to say anything? I really don’t want to to. But, I think I might have to. What will I say? This is killing me.

Why can’t everything just go right? Why can’t I be the kind of girl who holds hands with her boyfriend, and when she walks by people with him, and they think about how adorable it is? Why can’t I be the happy, crazy-in-love girl that has the life that the awkward, unattractive girl watches from a distance and is dying to live?

Why does it have to be the other way around?

I wish I were beautiful. I wish I were worth his time. They say that God created everything to be beautiful. I am the Coffee Break. When God was making everything beautiful, he decided to go on a coffee break when I came along. By the time he finished his mocha cappuccino or WHATEVER HE DECIDED TO DRINK ON THAT DAY, the damage was already done. I had been created to be unloved and unhappy, thought beautiful by no one. I have never been called beautiful by anyone, except for random old people. (Blame their most likely failing eyesight.) And of course, there’s my family. But, don’t they have to? Isn’t it expected of them, in a way?

I hate being so pathetic. I hate having so much hope, when deep down, I know that I won’t be happy, no matter how many limbs I go out on, how many chances I take. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. But, why? Am I really that shallow that I need to be loved to be happy? I guess I am, aren’t I? How do you change yourself to be a person who deserves happiness?

Wouldn’t everything just be betterif
he
were
mine?

I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry my eyes out right now. Why can’t I make it right? Why did I make it wrong in the first place?

In Child Care, I leave. I say I’m going to my locker and go everywhere but there. I walk by the class Jordan is in and glance at him from outside the closed door. He intently stares at his laptop. Would he look up if he knew I was there? Or would he become even more intent on whatever was on that computer screen, hiding from my weird, stalker-like staring? I go to one of the bathrooms, lock myself in the big stall with a sink in it. I sit on the toilet and think and think and think until I don’t remember what class I’m supposed to be in, and how long I was gone. Is it possible to cry without tears, to only cry inside? If it is, I’ve been doing it all day. I’m doing right now, listening to people laugh like maniacs, enjoying their day. No one knows of my crying inside, no one asks what is wrong. If they did, would I actually tell them? Would they care? I cry and cry and cry no tears, just a pain in my heart and my favorite song in my ears.

Am I as pathetic as I feel? I think of the long, lazy weekend ahead of me. A weekend of being alone, working on my novel, blogging, reading, and playing my guitar. Thank God it’s Friday.

Garbled Nonsense, The Big Mistake, & Holding On For Dear Life

He watches me play my guitar. I watch him play his. We laugh. We talk. We have fun. It’s a great Wednesday morning. Until I ruin it.
We walk up the stairs. First period has already begun. He’s in a rush. He doesn’t want to be late. It takes a lot of trying, but it comes out. Somewhere in the garbled nonsense falling from my mouth comes the words "I really like you." He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t scoop me in his arms and kiss me like I want him to. He nods a little. He says "okay." His voice is quiet. He is gone. I go to class.

I feel sweated and uncomfortable. My face is too warm. When did it get so hot? I feel like my head is going to explode into a million pieces. I want to disappear. I vaguely hear my Driver’s Ed teacher as she speaks. I learn nothing. My mind only stops racing when we watch a video about a few teenagers who have lost their friends in car crashes. It is then that I realize that compared to that, this thing I’m dealing with is nothing. But I still can’t help but feel like
I’ve
made
the
worst
mistake
ever.

Cassidy and Yuuki want to know exactly what happened. I tell them the truth. Nothing. They think I’m sad. I’m not sad. I’m going insane with worry. Did I ruin that nice thing that we just had minutes before?

In Chemistry, Cassidy tells me she loves me a lot and acts like she’s trying to cheer me up. Why is she doing this? This can’t be the end yet, can it? There’s still time for a happy ending, isn’t there?

In Drawing, I forget about everything. I look in a mirror and I draw my eye. My eyes look green today, not as brown. The drawing looks bad. I leave to go to the bathroom. When I leave the art room, I remember. Art is an escape, and now I come down from the cloud it puts me on. In the bathroom, I look in the mirror and fix my eyeliner. The girl in the mirror looks back at me with those oddly green eyes. You’re stupid, I think. Why did you do that? You ruined everything! She looks back at me with the same forlorn stare I give her, and doesn’t answer me. I grab my purse to leave, only to face her again in the small, scratched mirror I gaze into to draw my eye.

Then, I leave, on the way to my Geometry test, almost positive that I’ll be getting a C on it. Maybe a high D. Possibly a low B, if I’m lucky, which I don’t think I am. Never, ever an A. Not in Geometry. Never. I see Jordan out of the corner of my eye. I see him, but I don’t look at him. Does he look at me? What is he thinking? I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I slip into class where he can’t see me, and take my test. It’s a bit difficult, but easier than I expected. I write down numbers and equations and all my mind does is
W
O
R
R
Y.

I sit in fifth period, history class. I have an assignment that I ignore. The teacher comes over to talk to me. He sits on the desk behind me and talks to me about writing a thesis, and where it belongs in the paragraph. It is the third sentence. I thought it was the first. He smells like 5 gum and a tire store. He says I had looked at him like he was insane. I actually didn’t. He just made me feel stupid. Get that. I’m a writer and I don’t even know where to put my thesis.

I eat lunch at a quiet lunch table. I eat pumpkin pie in Child Care class. I go to the printer in French. I see Jordan in the hallway. I look at the floor. Does he look at me? Do I want him to? Why did I make everything so awkward? I want to cry. I’m mentally kicking myself for this.

But, then there’s the happy ending. The hope. Could it still turn out right? My inner dreamer wants to say yes, but reality makes me think otherwise. Am I a pessimist? Or am I right? I’m dying to know, but at the same time, I’m terrified. I went out on that limb, but now I’m dangling from it, holding on, ready to let go. Will he catch me as I fall for him? Or will I hit the ground? Will I land on my feet, hit the ground running? Or fall down hard and lay there broken on the ground? All because
I
went
out
on
a
limb.
Isn’t that where the fruit should be?

I go to the bathroom in French to escape from the project I should be working on. I talk to a friend of mine while I’m in there. She brings up who she likes, some guy I know who’s a really good graffiti artist and has blue hair. Some people are just so open about these things. I wonder if she told him. I tell her that I told the guy that I like that I liked him today. She’s curious to know who it is. I’m reluctant, but I think What the hell do I have to lose now? He knows, so why not tell her? So, I tell her. I tell her that he didn’t give me a straight response and that I’ve been avoiding him all day. She tells me that I should say "What the fuck does ‘okay’ mean? Stop being an assbedonkin!" She’s not the right person to ask, obviously. I get a good laugh, though.

But, maybe that’s what I have to do. Ask him again. Say more. Ask him what he meant by "okay." Does he really think this is okay? Because it’s not okay. I am not okay.

And so, the end of the day has come. I run to the band room to drop off my stuff, practically sprint back up the stairs and outside into the light rain. I wait for him. He always comes over to talk to me at the end of the day. But not today, because
I
ruined
everything.

I see him look at me, but he doesn’t come to me. He doesn’t say a word to me. He only watches me as I watch him. Who will say something first? Is that what this is? A problem solved easily if we both weren’t so damn shy? That sounds too easy, almost like if I talk to him tomorrow, all will be well and I’ll finally be the girl with the happy ending. What if that is what happens?

Sounds great, right? But, judging from today, nothing we ever do goes exactly as we planned, does it?
I knew it was a bad idea to tell Jordan how I feel on a rainy day.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to fix this. At least I’ll try, and that’s the best I can do, right?

Just Your Average Warm November Day

I walk into the school. For a second, I think the door is locked so I yank on it, hard. It flies open fast and collides with my head. I laugh like an idiot. A girl I know stares at me. She’s not smiling like I am. Why? To be polite, I say hello. I pull open the door to the cafeteria, only a few feet away from the door I had just so haphazardly entered. Yuuki follows me. She laughs with me. She sees the humor.

We sit down at our usual table. The other seats soon fill up with people. Friends, acquaintances, and some girl with blonde and blue hair who I don’t know. A friend of Violet’s, I guess. I listen to them talk about roller-skating. Alexandria comes in, a sweated mess yet still somehow put together with her curled hair and perfectly done eyeliner. She is complaining about her walk to school, as usual. She should really stop smoking. Cassidy comes in and talks about her new boyfriend. I smile but feel a stab of envy in the back of my mind. I wonder why I can’t walk into school one day, excited, smiling like an idiot, totally in love with my brand spankin’-new boyfriend. But, I’m still happy for her, because she’s my friend.

Then, his huge black binder slams down on the table and he drops his things by the seat beside me. Always the seat beside me. Maybe because I make it that way, but I’d like to think otherwise. Jordan. Then, he is off running, always on a mission. The times when he is stopped, when he is sitting still, almost seem rushed. He buys a chocolate chip muffin. I buy a cinnamon roll, like I do every morning. We sit down and eat. He talks to me about his weekend and I listen. We share his muffin. It’s delicious. Cassidy is now talking about her weekend and says something that makes us all laugh.
I love to hear him laugh. He laughs like a complete dork.
I watch him as he talks. Does he notice?

I noticed something about the way I feel about him. When I see him, I don’t go insane inside. My heart doesn’t beat fast, my thoughts don’t scatter. Sometimes, I feel my stomach do a little flip-flop when I realize that it’s merely minutes until I get to see him, to be near him, to talk to him. I’m not nervous. I’m comfortable. Is this a good thing? It feels like one.

As he leaves in that fast, dramatic, awkward way of his, I watch him go. I smile, because all I can think is You’re amazing in the weirdest way. I want you to like me. Do you like me? Do you like me the way I like you? 

I walk through the rest of the morning, dazed, tired and deep in thought. The Chemistry teacher calls on me and I’m clueless with an empty worksheet. In Drawing, my mind pauses for only a few minutes to focus only on my sketch and the calm music playing softly in my ears. Next, Geometry and History. Time to hit play again. I eat lunch with David, and we talk and talk and talk. We talk about weird stuff and laugh. After these past few months, I would say with no doubts that David is one of my best friends. I spend most of every day with him. His sarcastic comments and mean and perverted gay-guy attitude amuse me to no end. I really like that David spends so much time with me, because I hope it teaches him to be kinder and more open-minded. Not very often does David say anything nice about someone, and I’m constantly sticking up for people around him. But, nonetheless, I love him all the same.

The day flies by. I listen to Asking Alexandria in French. It’s been a while since I listened to Asking Alexandria. I don’t pay attention in English, though I usually do. And before I know it, the end of the day has arrived and I am outside sitting on a bench next to Jordan. He talks about rolling down a hill and crashing into a generator in gym class and I try not to laugh, though I do feel bad for him. I caress his head when he shows me where he hurt it and a lump was forming beneath his hair. I wonder if he feels the love in my touch. We talk about random things as we usually do until his bus shows up. He walks away and climbs aboard the huge yellow vehicle as the doors hiss open. I smile, remembering when he had compared the newer buses to trains. I said they looked like submarines. He had said, "Now I know what the Beatles were talking about!" We laughed. I love that laugh.
I go to band practice and laugh with all of my bandgeek friends until tears are in my eyes, and I fear my makeup has started to run. Then, I go home, ignore my never-ending doom of homework and work on this blog post.

Today's song of the day is "I Am The Highway" by Audioslave. You may have heard it on the radio before, because I know I have. My dad gave my an Audioslave CD today to put into my iTunes library because he knew I would like it. He told me to listen to "I Am The Highway" because it was his favorite by them. I listened to it. I'm still listening to it. Have you ever heard a song and it just struck a chord (no pun intended) deep inside of you? This song is so beautiful, like the song is straight from the writer's heart, and the music emphasizes that. The song just really gets to know, you know? You just can' listen to something else for a while after listening to "I Am The Highway."

Today has been a typical warm November day. November 14, 2011, to be exact. A day walking around school, going through the motions, on a mission, plowing through the heaps of snow that are my life in my sister’s black combat boots.

A day so typical that I
just wanted to write about it.

Soundtrack Of My Life

Have you ever pondered what it would be like if there was a movie about your life? What actors and actresses would play you and all of the people in your life? Would the audience be intrigued or bored to tears? What would the the movie be called?

One thing that I wonder about my life-based movie is what songs would be played throughout the movie? And why? 

There are many songs that when I listen to them, I feel that they define me, in a way, whether it be the words, the music, or just having a fond love for the song. They are my songs, you know? The kind of songs that just relate so much to your life that the writer of the song must have been secretly spying on you for inspiration. Or the kind of songs where a few lines just jump out at you form the music, and just scream in your face: "This is you." 

If my life were a movie, these would be the songs released on the soundtrack. The Soundtrack Of My Life. 

1.) "A Candlelit Dinner With Inamorta" - Asking Alexandria 

This song is the first song I find myself listening to when I'm sad or angry. During my freshman  year, this song was number one on my top twenty-five on iTunes. I had listened it nearly three hundred times all the way through! This song was my obsession. "With eyes closed, her heart breaks, and through it all, she brought this on herself." Not only does it apply to my own life, I've found it relates to other people's lives, too. Like Yuuki and January. Everyone goes something that breaks their heart, but every situation is different. For me, it was feeling heartbroken over Light, but I had brought it upon myself, because I didn't even know him. Yuuki and Oliver. January and her torturers. There's no running from the pain that all of these things put me through, so I might as well just grin and bear it. What better way to do that than having this song blasting in my ears? 

2.) "Bewitched" - Blood On The Dance Floor

I just thought I'd put this one on the list, because it was (and sometimes still is) the Light song, which I mentioned in previous posts about him. Light is part of my life story, isn't he? My experience with him related to just about every line in this song, that feeling of hopelessly loving someone that is destroying you. And it concludes with that free, beautiful feeling of letting them go. 

3.) "Boyfriend" - Best Coast 

"I wish he was my boyfriend. I wish he was my boyfriend. I'd love him to the very end, but instead he is just a friend. I wish he was my boyfriend." I can relate to this one right now. At least it helps me realize that I'm not the only one stuck in the friend zone, dying to get out. 

4.) "Chelsea Smile" - Bring Me The Horizon

I chose this song for this list, even though it doesn’t make a lot of sense. This song is about so many things that don’t really make sense put together. It is about having a secret, the end of the world, having doubts in God. You know, your typical screamo song. But in some ways, this song kind of defines some parts of me. It’s the perfect song for any mood. It’s fast, intense, catchy.

5.) “Stay With Me” – Breathe Electric

This song is easy for me to relate to, but not in a romantic relationship way. This song actually reminds me of January. It reminds me of no matter what happens to her, no matter what people say about her, no matter what people think of me, I’ll keep being her friend. I won’t leave her when everyone else does, and they already started leaving a long time ago. 

6.) “Comedown” – Bush

Now, this is an amazing song. But, it doesn’t exactly relate to my life, except in one way. This song is the last song my mom listened to before she gave birth to Yuuki and I. Every time I hear it, I always feel like I’ve known it for so long. It feels so familiar. I guess that’s why. 

7.) “Stratovolcano Mouth” – Chiodos

i think this song is keeping your feelings to yourself for so long, that one day you can't hold back anymore. They'll explode from your mouth. There is always something that you keep from someone, and sometimes it's so hard to keep it from them. Trust me, I know. 

8.) “Fallin’ For You” – Colbie Caillat 

This is one of the major Jordan songs. The words are so relatable. The song just captures the essence of falling for someone that you have just met, and wondering if you should let them know how you feel. Also known as my life. 

9.) “All I Want”- A Day To Remember

“All I Want” is my favorite ADTR song, because it has so much feeling. It’s fast and intense, and the words are so angry and powerful. It can either be your “top of the world” song, or it can be your “I hate my life” song. It works either way. 

10.) “Six Days” (Original Version) – DJ Shadow

This song doesn’t describe any part of my life. Actually, this song doesn’t make any sense at all, but this is what I call my “Drawing Song.” I call it this because it is very calming to listen to when you’re drawing. I always listen to this at least once a week in Drawing class. I also listen to it when I’m writing, when I’m trying to fall asleep, when I’m in an indie mood, or if I simply want to calm down. Because that’s what the song has: a calming effect. Seriously, it’s like a lullaby. If you’re an insomniac, you should look it up. *Laughs.* I’m actually being serious. 

11.) “Cosmic Love” – Florence And The Machine

This is another one of my “Drawing Songs.” Indie music is just very inspirational. Also, I love the lyrics to this song. It’s very poetic, and the music is very powerful and almost, like, hypnotizing. If you’re not really a fan of indie, I would really suggest getting more into it. It’s like a dose of calm, content, power for your soul. 

12.) “Lovey Love” – He Is We

Sappy and cliché, this song reminds me that even though I lose faith in love, it’s still out there waiting for me. The lyrics are practically like the sequel to this little four-line poem I wrote when I was in seventh grade, called “Chasing Love.” I think I have it memorized, actually. 

“The love I want is running from me, it’s driving me crazy

I run so fast, but no matter what I do, I’ll still behind it

I can still see it up ahead, but the image is hazy

Maybe I should stop chasing love, and then someday I’ll find it”

By the way, I think this is copyrighted. Even if it’s not, it’s still my original work, so a quick note to any readers, don’t be stupid. 

Anyway, I feel that “Lovey Love” would be like a sequel to this poem. The only problem is, it’s been almost four years since I wrote that poem, and my sequel still hasn’t been written. I guess… I’ll have to write it myself. 

13.) “Trouble” – Never Shout Never

This song is just great. It’s been one of my favorites since eighth grade, and I still love listening to it. The words are so creative and cute. <3 Alexandria and I had a dance to go along with this song and everything. We were doing it on the band bus two weeks ago, actually. 

14.) “Vanilla Twilight” – Owl City

“Vanilla Twilight” is just one of those songs, one of those songs I know every single detail about. I know all the words, I know how to play it on the guitar, I even know why Adam Young wrote it. It was my absolute favorite song when I was thirteen, and listening to it now brings back so many memories, times and reasons why I’ve listened to it in the past. Have you ever gotten that feeling when you’re listening to a song, almost like déjà vu? It’s just this odd feeling that’s almost like a memory, a faded version of a way you felt when listening to the song at some other point in your life. “Vanilla Twilight” is a major déjà vu song for my eighth grade year. It brings back the sadness I went through, the hopeless obsession with Grey. It brings back the time I sang it with him on the band bus. Thinking about how much things have changed in such a short time can kind of make you feel weirdly empty, you know? 

15.) “C’mon” – Panic! At The Disco 

This song is cute. The words and music just have so much hope. The combination of instruments and the two singer’s voices just make it sound so… Disney. That is the best word I can think of for a description. 

16.) "Anything But Ordinary" - Avril Lavigne 

"To walk within the lines would make my life so boring." This song is about wanting your life to be exciting, wanting to be different, not minding being weird, because you would rather be anything but ordinary. 

17.) "Laminated E.T. Animal" - Destroy Rebuild Rebuild Until God Shows

It took me a few times listening to this one and also looking up the lyrics until I finally got what it was about. It's about me. Now, I know it's not actually about me, and I still don't really know what it's about. But, the words just really speak to me, you know? They describe me, some of my situations in life, some of my personality traits, some of the things I do. Explanation? Here it is. 

"If you're looking to me, I must confess you're like an answer lost deep in loneliness. I'm just a question, I'm just full of passion. You aim and you miss. If we keep fighting who we are, we won't hit anything. 

It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, it's like I feel to much, but I can't find my heart. It's like I'm stabbing in the dark, it's like I think to much and then I fall apart, like stabbing in the dark. 

Eyes set on me like I'm an answer, just a question you missed, a complete disaster. Just a person, probably the worst one, loose-lipped and shoulders chipped… 

Yet, still I'm here. I'm singing for you." 

18.) "Same Dumb Excuse (Nothing To Lose)" - Forever The Sickest Kids

I should be brave with nothing to lose

that's how I was until the day I met you 

now I'm afraid that I don't know what to do

a couple of things I really gotta tell you

Dive off a cliff, jump from a plane

all sounds easier than what I've gotta say

go for a swim with sharks in the sea

oh, sounds easier than me telling it to you straight

I've got nothing to lose

I've got nothing to lose but you

If I just say nothing, you'll never hear the truth

I can't keep using the same dumb excuse

Cause I've got nothing to lose

I've got nothing to lose..but you

To get you to laugh,  get you to smile

get you to tell the world that you're on my side

Make me a star, at least in your eyes

Let's take on the world

But, first I gotta make you mine.. 

No, the words ain't coming out

 But, tonight it's going down

cause I've got nothing to loseI

I've got nothing to lose…. but you. 

My life? I'm thinking yes. Did I mention that Jordan still doesn't know yet? I'm thinking about telling him on Wednesday, November 16, 2011, unless circumstances move it to an earlier or later date. That's in three days. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

19.) "City" - Hollywood Undead

Have you ever been so mad that you wanted to burn down a city? Not that you had any intention of hurting anyone in the city, just because you wanted to watch the fire? Watch something being destroyed, so your heart isn't the only thing? 

If so, listen to this song. 

20.) "The One That Got Away" - Katy Perry

I like this song. Katy Perry has to be my popular music guilty pleasure. :) 

21.) "Why Can't I" - Liz Phair

Ultimate sappy chick song. I love it. <3 "Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?" How many people just read that to the tune of the song? Anyway, this song makes me smile, and it makes me think about Jordan. 

22.) "Undisclosed Desire" - Muse

During my drawing class, my art teacher plays music from his iPod. That is where I heard this song for the first time. Ever since I had asked him for the name of the song and downloaded it, I can't stop listening to it. It's a beautiful song. Mysterious. Calm, but with a distinct beat and and upbeat sounding tune. 

23.) "Speak Up" - Show Me The Skyline

This song is amazing. It's like caffeine for your ears. It's upbeat and fast, electronic and poppy with a loud beat in the background. It has adorable lyrics. I would love to kick off my shoes and dance with someone to this song. <3 

24.) "Punch-Drunk Love" - The Summer Set

I think that because we're nearing the end of the list (I'm thinking this is the last one..), the songs are slowly going for songs I relate to emotionally to songs that I just simply love. This song has absolutely nothing to do with my life, but I listen to it constantly. It is the "A Candlelit Dinner With Inamorta" of this school year. Good thing it's the kind of song that can instantly put me in a better mood. It has a cute tune, funny, creative lyrics, and The Summer Set is one of my current favorite bands. 

Well, that's it. 

These are my songs. Weird combination, right? Well, put together, these songs describe me. They define me. They highlight my feelings, my personality, my situations. They are the Soundtrack Of My Life. 

What I Fear, What I Love, What I Wish I Had, What I Wish I Loved

Everyone has something that they are afraid of. No one is fearless. Or are they? I have many fears. I have obvious fears, normal fears, such as being afraid of spiders and snakes, or being afraid of the dark. But, I also have strange fears, maybe phobias. I’m afraid of needles. I’m afraid of traveling into space. I’m afraid of telling Jordan how I feel. I’m afraid of the end of the world. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of heartache. I’m afraid of physical, mental, and emotional pain. I’m afraid to die before I live my life. Sometimes, I’m afraid to fall asleep. If I don’t dream, where will I go? Will I be simply gone? I’m also afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of the supernatural. I’m afraid of the extraterrestrial. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of being insulted. Sometimes, I’m afraid of the truth. Am I crazy?

Everyone hates something. If you don’t hate something, you must be pretty damn optimistic. I hate a lot of things, but I’m not a hater. A hater is a judgmental, heartless person, and I don’t think that’s what I am. Am I? I hate working when I feel lazy. I hate feeling like my friends try to control me (Symphony…). I hate not being able to speak my mind. I hate being put down. I hate bullies and haters. I hate being too hot, and I hate being too cold. I hate getting yelled at. I hate going to the dentist. I hate New Jersey. I hate never having money. I hate my hair. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate that I eat when I’m sad. I hate not having talent. I hate being ordinary. I hate not being good enough for any guy. I hate math. I hate the sound of my mother’s voice when she’s mad. I hate my glasses. I hate sappy songs and happy endings, because I’m led to believe that they’re not real. I hate to hate so much. I hate having reasons to.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love being alive. I love food. I love to read. I love wearing skirts and dresses. I love animals. I love Minecraft. I love playing my guitar. I love band bus rides. I love to laugh and I love to smile. I love making friends on the internet. I love listening to indie music while I draw. I love Wednesdays. I love autumn. I love wearing stripes. I love to write. I love listening to my iPod on the bus or in the car. I love seeing Jordan smile. I love school dances. I love the school I go to. I love living in a small town. I love so much, so many little things that I can’t possibly keep going. I love to love. I love to be in love.

Where do wishes come from? Do they come from envy? Or do they come from our dreams and desires? I wish I were beautiful. I wish I were happy. I wish I had all the money in the world. I wish I were talented at singing, so I can actually get somewhere. I wish that Jordan were my boyfriend. I wish my hair were ten inches longer. I wish life were fair. I wish that I had nothing to wish for, that I had everything I ever wanted or needed. My father once said something about wishes that I’m beginning to think is true.

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other. Put them together and what do you have? Two hands full of shit."

That’s a bit crude, but it’s true. In one hand, you have all or your life’s problems. In the other, you have all of your wishes, your wildest fantasies, your biggest hopes, your selfish dreams. Wishing for those things, believing that those wishes will come true, will only cause more problems. Whoever said that dreams come true was full of shit is basically what that saying means.

But, you know I’ll keep dreaming.

Not only do we wish for things to happen, things to appear, things to disappear, things to work out the way we plan. We wish for change inside of us, change in our feelings and thoughts. There are things in this world that I fear, hate, love, and I wish I had. There also things that I wish I loved. I wish I loved a boy who loved me back. I wish I loved the world I live in. I wish I loved my life. I wish I loved myself.

Today, a friend of mine was talking to me in Geometry. Let’s call her Rosetta. Rosetta and I used to be a lot closer, until we got into this huge fight last year. Now, we still talk, but I don’t let her get too close to me anymore, because she gets jealous easily. She asked me what I was doing as I was writing this post. I was writing it out of boredom on a sheet of graph paper. I told her I was writing a post for my blog. Then, she asked me a peculiar question.

"What is a blog, anyway?"

Well, my blog is a lot of things. It is my thoughts, my dreams, my secrets, my opinions, my diary, my getaway. Good thing it’s anonymous. ;)

The "What If" Post

Welcome to the “what if” post. This is a period of hopeless hope, frantic thoughts, and confusion, easily changed by just a few words.

I need to tell Jordan how I feel. Everyone thinks I should. Should I? How will he react? What if it ruins our friendship, the only thing that we have? What if he shatters my heart into a million pieces and I’ll be left alone to pick up the pieces myself? What if he feels the same way? What if telling him will be the best decision I’ve ever made? What if it’s the worst? What if?

There are so many possible endings to the story, but to find out, I have to make it happen. Should I get to know him better? How well do I know him anyway? How much of him am I a stranger to?

I like him a lot, that’s for sure. The way I feel about him is so different from anything I have ever felt for a guy before. It’s not that whole “I don’t know him, but he’s cute. What would it be like if I went out with him? Is he single? Let’s stalk his life for ten months” thing. It’s more of a “Since the day that I first saw him, I knew I was hooked on him. But, I don’t watch him from a distance, praying for him to notice me. I’m his friend. We talk every day. He’s really weird and awkward. He makes me laugh. He’s not the hottest guy in the world, but I want him more than any of the perfect guys I’ve crushed on in the past, because he’s adorable, and I’m led to believe that he’s perfect for me.”

Then, there’s the most important question. Does he like me, too? This may sound a little unbelievable, but there is a possibility. He talks to me every day. We eat breakfast together. We wave at each other in the hallways. He throws snowballs at me.

There’s only one way to find out.

Should I do it?

I’ll keep you updated. Hopefully, I’ll have good news. Cross your fingers, pray for me, and wish me lots of luck. I’m off to do the unthinkable. 

Rainclouds Over January

Her eyes were full of tears when January looked at me today and asked me “Am I a bad person?”

Day after day, January is tormented and tortured by the people around her, simply because she isn’t very bright, she tends to pick fights with vicious preppy kids, and because she dates boys that could be considered scummers.

(Scummer [noun]: a person who usually does drugs such as marijuana, and has frequent, careless intercourse with other scummers when they are not dating, or have just started dating. Scummers can be classified as dressing like they are trying to be “gangster” in males, and usually very sloppily or revealing with females.) Just thought I’d add a definition.

Anyway, January started gaining a reputation last year when these types of boys went after her, and she agreed to do whatever they asked her to do to/with them. Word spreads fast in a small school where everyone loves to gossip, so everyone knew when she lost her virginity to a scummer, and everyone knew about her pregnancy scare. On top of being considered a slut, January also gained the attention of the popular, jocky, preppy kids, who absolutely love to torment. To this day, they make fun of her intelligence, her clothing, the fact that she’s dating a colored guy (who is not in any way a scummer), and even her Facebook statuses. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but that’s the definition of immaturity at it’s finest.

She came to me today while I was in the bathroom at school, telling me that she wanted to talk to me. She told me about all of the horrible things that people had been saying to her today, tears nearly streaming down her face. Desperate to know why people do this to her, she asked me that question. “Am I a bad person?”

January is the opposite of a bad person. She is caring, upbeat, funny, and sweet. She is girly and pretty, and always wears clothing that makes her happy, whether it be floor-length dresses or sky-high black wedge shoes. She acts like she can care less what people think of her, but behind that smile is a girl who is depressed, sometimes suicidal. When she’s with her close friends, like Yuuki and I, she breaks down. I hate to see her upset, and I hate to see people tormenting her. It makes me smile to see her boyfriend hold her hand in the hallway, oblivious to the judgmental glares of everyone around him.

January, please remember that the people who are bringing you down today will be the people who are going nowhere tomorrow. Never conform to what they think you should be, and never let those words get to you, because they’re just words, coming from the mouths of people who will never matter. Never change. <3

Unhappy Elements & The Fight For Chemistry And Happiness

My Chemistry teacher is a little eccentric. She says that Chemistry is magic, and usually ends up going off on a random tangent in the middle of class, getting entirely off-topic. (Not that anyone minds, of course.) Anyway, she also says that most of the elements on the periodic table are unhappy, and Chemistry is all about making them happy. Is that all it takes? A little chemistry to make us happy?  

So, out of all those unhappy elements, which one would be the unhappiest? I would probably say Hydrogen, because it’s all alone up there. Jordan and I are like two separate, lonely, unhappy elements, and all we need is a little chemistry to make everything better. We need a chemical reaction, to become one, happy, element that even the “noble gases” would be jealous of. :) Because Chemistry is all about happiness. It’s magic.

Wow, maybe I am actually learning something from my crazy Chemistry teacher…

But, am I actually an unhappy element? Am I happy person, or do I pretend to be happy? Or do I pretend to be sad? Or am I just stuck in some place in between. I’m not terrible, I’m not great. I’ll live. I’ll be okay.  I’m not like Hydrogen, I’m not completely alone in the world, but sometimes it feels that way. But why? Is it because no one seems to really understand me?

Maybe it’s this continuous cycle of unrequited love. Though it happens over and over again, it’s different every time. When I was younger, it was the rude, immature, attitudes of the boys I fell for. Then, it turned into falling for people who didn’t know I existed.

Now, he’s my friend. We’re not close, but we talk every day. He makes me laugh. He plays my guitar on Wednesday mornings. We eat breakfast together.

When we first met, I had so much hope. My friends were excited. They were convinced that he felt the same way about me. And they almost had me believing them, Almost. As the weeks go by, my hope, my excitement, that faith in happiness that only a dreamer could have, slowly fades away.

I’m stuck in the friend zone with Ross. (If you don’t watch the TV show “Friends,” disregard that.)

Why would he be attracted to someone like me? I’m no one special. I’m not beautiful. I’m not interesting. Most likely not what he’s looking for.

When I’m in the shower, my washcloth turns black, stained by the makeup I had worn to look prettier for him. My mind constantly races with words, trying to figure out the right thing to say to him. Sometimes, I can’t fall asleep at night, dwelling on every mistake I’ve made, every opportunity I should’ve taken, but didn’t. I write cute, hopeful songs about him. I think about him all of the time. I doodle pictures of hearts in my Geometry notebook. I jot down lyrics from love songs. I look into his eyes and die inside. But I don’t die a painful death; I die in the best way possible, paralyzed, drowning in dreams.

So, every morning, I’ll wake up, go to school, sit down at my usual place in the cafeteria, eat my breakfast, and watch the door, waiting for him to appear.

Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for him to feel the same way. I can’t wait for the day when I’ll be able to hold him, to make him so happy, to know that he’s mine. Because I know (at least I’m hoping…) that that day exists.