What Am I Doing Wrong?

"What does a guy look for in a girl, anyway?" Michelle asks out of curiosity. What a question. We all wonder. We barely ask.

"Boobs," David says with a laugh.

"Smart man," Floyd says matter-of-factly, with one of those mischievous grins on his face. He had found his opportunity to irritate Michelle or the day.

Floyd and Michelle argue for a while about it. God, everything is an argument with them. Michelle just wanted advice of some sort and it turned into another frustrating forty-five minutes of not enjoying my food and blasting my music.

"I think you’re desperate," Floyd says to her. Looks to me for my reassurance, my egging on, my taking his side, my agreement. I avert my eyes and hope he gets the message.

"Someone please tell me you don’t agree with him," Michelle groans. No one speaks up, for fear of falling into this dispute as well. "I’m not desperate. I just wanted to know, what am I doing wrong?"

"Everything." He’s smirking and I want to slap him now. Why must he be like this?

Yes, Michelle should know that’s not a question you ask a straight guy (or even a gay one) below the age of eighteen. You just don’t, because you are not going to hear what you want to hear. Yet she ventures into that territory, fearless and determined, the same way she is about anything and everything. Does it hurt her when he says that? Probably not, but

I know it hurts me.

It hurts me that this guy who is supposed to be my Superman is being the villain.

Michelle and I both don’t have much luck with guys. Actually, I may even have less. (I can clearly remember when she was dating a fellow saxophone player in middle school) And here she is, being told she’s doing everything wrong by the guy I try to do everything right for. Does he think the same about me? I mean, he doesn’t despise me the way he despises her, but maybe I’ll never be good enough for him because I’m not pretty enough. I spent the rest of the day in frustration, for more reasons than one.

I felt almost like a gay person who’s pondering coming out of the closet. But I'm perfectly hetero, since I am a female, and the problem is a male. But the thing is, I’m revealing my secret, but not to the people around me. No, not them. Not yet. I’m letting it escape from my brain and fill me completely. I’m getting used to the fact that I’m letting myself be attracted to this guy. This guy, who isn’t nice to anyone but has never said anything rude to me. This guy, who everyone looks down on but I look up to, in the sky as I see him shed his Floyd Disguise and become Superman, flying away and saving the world. Why can't anyone else see that? Why is it so hard to see that today?

In French class, when he brought up how "hilarious" lunch had been, I told him that what he said to Michelle was very offensive, and I know that if it were being said to me, it would really hurt my feelings. He responded with silence. The next day, only a few mildly sarcastic comments slipped past his lips, nothing harsh enough to make us all cringe. I was pleased, and I pondered if that had been his intention.

I don’t know what I was doing wrong before with Jordan (everything?), but right now, I’m trying to do everything right, anything possible to make this work out. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to overanalyze. I just want to let it all happen. And hopefully, it will happen with the intention of turning into what I’ve been waiting for for way too long.