Don't Play With Fire

I haven't blogged for a while, but I chose to blog today because I have something to blog about.

Today's song of the day is "Love Life" by He Is We. But don't let the title fool you, it's about getting over someone, and that's why I think it's the perfect song.

I am so proud to say this, and it's also weird to say this but, I have let go of Light. I wrote my seventh and last song for him a few days ago. One day, something came over me, and I realized that he was a huge waste of my time. Caring about someone shouldn't hurt that bad, should it? I knew that all along, but it's easy to avoid the truth. It's easy to avoid the pain. The reality. But, I faced that truth head on and waited, terrified to see what it would do to me.

So, what happened? I realized that Light isn't actually a Light at all. Actually, he is, but not the kind of Light I thought he was. I thought Light was like my ray of sunshine in my painted blue sky. But, in reality, he's the glow of a flame. Beautiful. It can keep you warm. But, it can also burn you.

So, there I was attracted to that beauty. My dreams, my hopes, the maybes, the possibilities, kept me warm. But, caught under the spell of that fire, I dove right into it, and was burned.

Sometimes, I find myself thinking about Light, almost in the same way that I used to, but with caution. But I've forced him out of my mind every time. Letting him go is definitely easier said than done. it is going to be tough, but I can be tougher.

It hurts so much to love someone who loves someone else, someone who doesn't know you, but they know how you feel. To them, you're just an afterthought. That's when you have to make them an afterthought. And that's exactly what I did.

And now, I feel free. I feel happy. I can breathe again, no longer inhaling the smoke of that fire, but the fresh air of possibilities.

Maybe I'll find another Light, and hopefully the right kind of Light. But hoping gets you nowhere, now doesn't it? So, I guess I'll just stay where I am. Happy. Free. In love with no one.

Because it feels so good to feel this way. :)

Light, it feels great to smile again. You'll always be beautiful, but you're nothing to me, just like I'm nothing to you. Thanks for the songs. <3

Maybe

Something miraculous has been happening in the past two days, and I am happy to be witnessing it.

I was so afraid that things would be different between Yuuki and Oliver. I was afraid because I knew that it would break her heart. It would break mine, too.

But, that isn't what happened.

This one time, at band camp, everything was back to the way it was.

Oliver is like my brother again, not someone that I have to hate. He still has Yuuki's heart in his hands. And I think, I hope, that she still has his. I thought it would be different, since Oliver is currently "in a relationship." But, he was last year, too. I hope that for Yuuki, this year as as good as last year, only better. Again, she'll have him hiding the way he's falling in love. Maybe she already does.

Well, I hope so. I hope he doesn't lead her on and break her heart like he did last year. I hope he's different.

Because I know, though he, and others, may try to deny it, that they were meant to be. Just seeing them together, hearing the words they say to each other, just gives me the nicest feeling inside. Everyone thinks that they would definitely make the cutest couple. And it's true. So true.

But, the thing is, Yuuki already gave him her heart. The only thing that's missing from this equation is his heart. I mean, knowing that Oliver felt the same way about her seemed like enough to keep Yuuki smiling, but I know that she wanted, and still wants, a relationship with him. Will it ever happen? Yuuki told me that before two days ago, the answer to the question would've definitely been no. But now, it's "maybe."

Maybe a pair of gloves had to do before, but I know that Yuuki's hand was made to fit in Oliver's on a cold Friday night.

Maybe.

Wow, I wonder if my sister obsesses about my love life the way I obsess about hers. Probably not. It's a little too boring to even think about. Oh, well. At least this whole Yuuki and Oliver thing is getting my mind off of other things, like Light, for instance. I didn't think about him all day today. I am proud. But, I once heard it said that pride is a crutch of the insecure. Is it?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Burnt Out And Watching You Glow

Today's song of the day is "A Mess It Grows" by He Is We. It's a beautiful song. :) Well, I'm actually listening to a lot of He Is We lately. Their music is pretty inspiring, I must say. Well, speaking of inspiration, I wanted to discuss my title. Those lines are from a song that I wrote yesterday. The song is called "Dizzy." I wrote it about Light, of course. It's about how much he's hurting me, and yet I can't seem to let him go. I wrote it in a strange, hyper, fit of angry rage. I hate feeling so upset that my parents start worrying about me, but at least a get some songs out of it.

I know that I need to let Light go. He is in love with someone else, and I should just leave his perfect little life alone, even though I'd love to just change his mind. Or just take that perfect life and completely destroy it, making him as upset as he makes me. But how would I do that? How could I do that? Why did I even say that...? Oh, well. I say a lot of things.

Yesterday, I came home from a camping trip that I had been on for the weekend, and my parents told me that a guy who had graduated in 2010 from my school took his own life. I had seen him around school and things like that, but I never actually knew him. Yet, I found myself kind of devastated when I heard about it. I always hear it said that you shouldn't take life too seriously, but you should. You should take life seriously, because one day you'll be gone. You should take life seriously, and you should take death seriously. This world is a messed up place to live in, but you shouldn't have to make yourself die to escape from it. I wish that I could've stopped him and told him to live his life to the fullest, even if something was bringing him down. But I didn't know him. I couldn't have done that. It's so sad. It makes me upset every time i think about it.

I don't understand why someone would commit suicide anyway. I mean, I, for one, am terrified to die. What if I go to Hell? What if I don't go anywhere? It frightens me. A lot. I don't want to think about it. As serious as this subject is, I think I need to change it.

I need to change it. What should I change it to? Oh! I remember what I wanted to talk about.

Blue eyes. Baby blue eyes. It's ridiculous how sometimes, you can't stop thinking about someone that you've never met, that you've only seen. Like a checkout guy at Redner's. With big, round, baby blue eyes.

Now, isn't that ridiculous?

Simply ridiculous, but a lovely distraction.

"With everything falling down around me, I'd like to believe in all the possibilities."

I must go. Farewell. :]