To Doubt.

Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.

"Anyone know who sings that?" my Shop teacher asks. It’s Friday, when he has his guess-the-artist game at the beginning of the period. I’m staring off into space because I’m thinking about when Floyd and I were listening to that same song yesterday, both singing along.

If he were here, he would probably know who sang the song. But as for me, I’m staring off into space and thinking about yesterday.

Our bridge is weak and popsicle sticks snap off as I inspect it. I glue them back on, then put it away. Floyd could deal with it on Monday. Or maybe I could fix it myself.

I go to lunch later and Michelle tells me that she is moving away from our lunch table, because she’s sick of putting up with Floyd. I pretend to be upset, but inside I am glad to be rid of the annoying amount of tension at our table these days.

We sit down to eat. I look at my cup of peaches and say, "I wish Floyd were here so he could give me peaches."

Elaine, who is one of his many ex-girlfriends, looks up at David and I and says, "Oh! He told me he wants to go out with me again." I blink. David starts to ask what she said, but she cuts him off. "I said no. I just…I don’t like him like that."

You see, I don’t care if Elaine likes Floyd. She could be obsessed with him for all I care.

It’s just the fact that he likes her.

In the car on the way home, I blurt it out to my mom, even though I told myself I wouldn’t tell anyone I was upset. Mom ignores me and tells me that she doesn’t want to hear my "whiner stories." I bite down on my lip and hold back tears. She starts a random conversation about how a fellow lunch lady she knew was working at my school, and she asked me if I saw her. She went on to describe her and everything and I seriously don’t know anything about the high school lunch ladies, except that they don’t give us enough food.

"How do you not notice anything? Are you that shallow?" Mom snaps.

"No, it’s just…let me think of a way to put this…" I trail off. "There was a moment when everyone else in the room disappeared," I say, and my voice cracks as I say it, tears threatening to make me sound like a blubbering idiot.

She goes on talking, punctuating my statement with a "Whatever", and I realize she has no idea what I mean and I don’t tell her.

I was so stupid, actually getting my hopes up. I always knew he still liked her, and just because my predictable life likes to torment me, here she is, telling us all about it.

I think about the bridge, and the way it’s falling apart on me now. I think about how that was our bridge, the one we were building to get to the other side holding hands. And now it’s falling apart. How fitting.

I don’t want to give up on him.

My pessimist side tells me I have to. My optimist side tells me to keep holding on. What should I do?

I asked myself a few days ago, "To doubt, or not to doubt?"

I think I will hold on... loosely. But I won't let go. But I won't hold on too tightly, because I will lose control.

I will drive myself crazy. I think I'm going to believe in this, but I will not rely on this.

And...

I will doubt.