Till Death Do Us Part

I lay on a block of concrete and close my eyes. How can the sky burn my eyes when the sun is buried beneath a veil of white clouds? I feel that piercing brightness like gravity pressing on my eyelids, and it is a pleasant feeling. I smell the railroad tracks from where they rest, collecting dust in their current slumber, which could be interrupted at any given moment by the deafening rumble of the train. They smell like the beach. I feel the cool breeze breaking the tension of humidity and pushing against my bare legs, and I imagine I'm lying in warm sand by the ocean. All that is missing is the cry of the seagulls.

I lower the volume of my music, eerie music about questioning God, and I find myself disturbed by the silence. There are no seagulls. I am completely alone. Here in the middle of nowhere, stretched on a seemingly useless concrete bed, laid at one end of the trail I cycle on every day. I turn up the music again, and listen to the way the music itself somehow sounds troubled. I turn my head to the side, and watch a silver car traveling up a hill in the distance. I think about sitting in the back of my mother's car, outside of a post office, crying quietly as she attempted to make me feel guilty for having pinkeye. (What kind of parent tries to make their child feel guilty for being sick?) The tears seemed to fall even harder than usual, probably urged forward by my bacterial conjunctivitis. I watched cars traveling then to, with my head turned the same way and lying against the window, picturing throwing myself in front of them.

I pictured myself wearing a white dress, a white dress made of lace, with a halo of daisies in my hair and heeled shoes on my feet. I held a handful of flowers like a bride. I threw them in the air as if a hopeful bridesmaid waited for that moment of perfect coordination and that collective jaw drop when it landed in her palms. And I threw envelopes with the flowers, letting them fall like confetti. Envelopes holding letters full of words I never got around to saying, or didn't say enough. And with long, slow strides, I stepped out into the street at just the perfect moment and let the rest of the world stop holding their breath and puff out that sigh of relief. Their bouquets had been caught. Reassured of good things to come, now that their one burden had slid reluctantly off of their shoulders, and tiptoed away to that makeshift aisle of sidewalk and macadam.

The bride began her walk. Her escort was Doubt, the one who had convinced her to make herself this way. And at the end, the one that Doubt had told her would be the only groom she'd ever know: Misery.

She prayed that that unlucky wedding crasher behind the wheel would take them both. Till death do us part.

I shuddered at the clarity of the thought, a clarity that came form repetition. But why? Dying couldn't be the only way to escape from Misery. Could it? And I didn't want to die. I wanted to live forever. Death scared me more than anything. What if I simply stopped existing? What if I was caught in an empty void of blackness, but I didn't even know it, because I wouldn't be capable of knowing anything? What if there is no afterlife? What if death is just death?

It's a terrifying thought to get stuck on. Sometimes, late at night, I try to keep myself awake, because I am afraid of what will happen if I fall into a dreamless slumber. I am petrified of the idea of not being aware of my own existence. I am not sure why, but I need my racing thoughts to remind me that I am alive. Because on every other level, I am left unsure.

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit at the kitchen table, working on my homework or browsing webpages of overpriced clothing I had previously saved to my laptop, and I see something out of the corner of my eye. Some sort of movement outside of the back door's large window. And I turn my head quickly, because there's this small, stupid part of me that expects to see Floyd on the doorstep, ready to make things right again. But then I see that I had only been seeing my overgrown bangs hanging in my eyes, and when I toss them back, there is no one there.

This happens fairly often, so you'd think I'd have broken that habit by now. But the dreamer in me is convinced she must glance up, toss her bangs back, and make sure, just in case.

And sometimes, I look at him and I wonder why I think he is beautiful. I watch him during Physics class as he stares at his computer, face in his hand, absentmindedly scrolling through meme sites. One sidelong glance and I would be caught, guilty of something I shouldn't care about being convicted of, because as far as I know, the object of this warped affection learned of the affection long ago, before it was even warped.

Furrowed brow. Bitter half-scowl. The pale, lifeless face of someone who hasn't had a good night's sleep in days. Possibly weeks. Small but prominent belly hanging over his jeans. Nestled in his brown leather jacket like a turtle shell. He looks angry. He looks shiftless. He looks weary. He looks apathetic. There's something about him that is different. There is something missing. The sound of his voice, the sound of his cocky laugh, the sound of a sarcastic comment dropped in every now and then. It's almost like he's been slipping away from me, sense by sense. I can no longer breathe in his scent. I can no longer feel the warmth of his body next to me. And now, I can't bask in the comfort of his voice, his humor. Even when he isn't speaking to me, that sound is still placating to me. Classes he and I have together hold an eerie silence, a quiet that I never knew existed when I was still hanging on every word he said. When there were still words to hang on.

When was the last time I had seen his wicked smile?

He seems jaded. I feel jaded. Are we wearing each other down with this mutual agreement of turning a blind eye to each other? Or is it something else altogether, something that has absolutely nothing to do with me? Because perhaps it is time to face the fact that maybe I don't mean anything to him anymore. But maybe I do.

And then sometimes I look at him and I remember why I think he is beautiful. I see this perfect person, this unconventionally handsome paradox of a person, and his eyes are sparkling and burning through me, and his lips are curved into a half smile, and I feel foolish for ever considering the fact that I could be falling out of love (?) with him.

Floyd has been plaguing my thoughts for a very long time now. So long that I feel that he is physically living inside of my head. Sometimes I wonder if I only keep him inside of my head because he is my comfort zone. I have discovered that I am a person who is terrified of anything outside of her comfort zones. And this lost cause of a relationship has become my comfort zone. Actually, any train-wreck of a romantic interest is a comfort zone for me, as sad as that is. Unrequited love has become home to me.

And sometimes, when I become convinced that this is true, that I am not in love (?) with Floyd, and that the only reason I think I am is because I am afraid to fall for anyone else, he seems to grip tighter to my unraveling mind, refusing to let go. Maybe a simple smile. Maybe a gaze that is held long enough that it should feel uncomfortable, but somehow, it doesn't. Maybe a casual conversation. He finds a way to stick around longer. He always finds a way.

Maybe Floyd wants to be inside of my head. Maybe I've been the one refusing to let him in. Maybe I don't even want him there.

But maybe I do.

Because YOLO

Maybe it isn't my awkward demeanor. Maybe it isn't my low maintenance hair or my laziness with makeup. Maybe it isn't my bigger build. Maybe it isn't the way I dress. Maybe it isn't because I don't say much.

Maybe it's because I think too much. Maybe people aren't attracted to me because I think too much.

I was miserably putting up with a sex-based discussion going on around me over a lunch I was barely touching, seething over the fact that there must be something pathetic or undesirable about me if I don't have the littlest, most innocent thing to contribute in any conversations that take a turn toward romantic and sexual relationships.

And it got me thinking.

If so many different types of people end up in that whirlwind or temporary bliss us teenagers label as "in a relationship" due to Facebook teaching us such terminology, then maybe I haven't stumbled upon romance for a reason other than being undesirable.

To put it bluntly,

maybe I'm a pussy.

I have a tendency to do this thing called "overanalyzing" where I take a situation, and I make a nice, long list of all the possible things that could go wrong. I convince myself that every decision I make, especially dealing with love, should be done in a manner that gracefully avoids pain. I am devoted to my comfort zones. So what if that comfort zone is the warm, welcoming seat of the rocking chair that we call worry, that gives me something to do but never takes me anywhere? At least I'm comfortable, right?

But life shouldn't be about avoiding anything outside of your comfort zone, should it? What exactly does that accomplish? And a better question: why the hell do I do it so much?

Pining away for Floyd is a comfort zone. That whole scenario. The unrequited love thing. It's become home to me. It's the reason why I sometimes avert my eyes when I see him looking at me, the reason why he isn't the only one avoiding conversation.

Maybe Floyd didn't drift away. Maybe I pushed him.

But why? Why would I do that? Because I'm scared? Scared that he'll want me?

That really doesn't make much sense to me either. But there is something about a romantic/sexual relationship that terrifies me. Imagine that! Me, the girl whose mouth is practically a broken record entitled "I Will Die Alone", is afraid to have a boyfriend.

I guess that could be understandable. Maybe. I mean, everyone is afraid of the unknown, and I am no different. I am afraid to go to college, to live on my own. I am afraid to take my SATs next month. I am afraid to speak my mind. I am afraid of getting my license. I am afraid of having children when I'm older. I am afraid to die. And at the root of it all, I am afraid of change. I am the very embodiment of fear, which I'd say stems from that whole "overanalyzing" thing.

And from that also stems my fear of having a boyfriend.

Sure, those fairytale-esque daydreams that often plague my common sense seem pretty appealing. But real relationships aren't something ripped straight out of a rom-com, and perhaps that is what scares me. The possibility of my first relationship falling short of perfect.

But no one's relationships are perfect. The things in our lives that aren't perfect are the things that become mistakes that shape us, and stories to tell, and memories to look back on and laugh or cry. If a person lives their life gracefully avoiding any situation that could cause them discomfort, can that person honestly say that they are living?

I don't think so.

Maybe living with my guard up is what has made me so impervious to love, so reluctant to give it and receive it. And not just love, I have become impervious to everything that my self-inflicted misery cannot feed off of.

Why do I choose to live this way? Forcing myself into the captivity of comfortable and wondering why I have become so cynical, so miserable, so sour, so torn apart by this constant tug-of-war between being happy and being comfortable?

It's like I'm a butterfly who has voluntarily flew into the net of an evil child named Doubt and let them plunk me in a jar, let them forget to poke some air holes in the top. It's like Doubt holds me in his grimy little hands, watching me and waiting for me to die just to feel the thrill of sucking the life out of yet another person. And from the inside of the jar, I watch everyone else hatching from their cocoons and fluttering about with beautiful wings, landing on flowers and sucking out the sweetness until there is none left, then careless flitting to another.

And I am completely capable of sucking the sweetness out of my life.

I've been so convinced that I'm still trapped in my cocoon, bitterly watching as everyone else and everyone else's lives evolve around me and waiting for my own chrysalis to burst open and release me with a one-way ticket to that contentment I envy so greatly.

But perhaps I've already shed my cocoon. Perhaps the only thing holding me back is the tauntingly clear walls of Doubt's jar, the walls I put up around myself.

Maybe I should take the hint from the inanity of pop culture and follow the mantra we've all learned to disdain: the acronym "YOLO."

Because you really do only live once.

Why waste that life letting Doubt hold you back?
 

Split Personality

"You seem like a really sad person," a guy said to me, walking beside me down the hallway.

"That's…comforting?" I replied, a laugh lingering somewhere around my voice.

He was an acquaintance. He didn't know me. Was I really that transparent?

But am I really a sad person? When I look at myself, I don't see another cliché case of teen depression. But is that what other people see?

Well, I'll tell you what I see.

Split personality.
Those two words have a very "crazy" tone lurking behind them. Like having more than one personality is some sort of illness. Some sort of glitch.

But is it really?

I have recently realized that I have two personalities. It was a disturbing epiphany.

A class of mine had just gotten into a somewhat-heated debate about bullying, and the ways to stop it. (In my personal opinion, I think that children should be taught that diversity is not a bad thing while they are still young and able to have things drilled into their fickle little minds, which I feel would be worth a try) The class treated bullying like an incurable disease, and I can see exactly where the mindset comes from as well. There's a bully hiding in every one of us. A side of us that would make the world hate us if we only had the balls to let it loose. And keeping that side of us hidden is as simple as holding your tongue. But in all actuality, that isn't very simple. It's kind of torturous.

A victimizer's goal is, obviously, to make you feel victimized. To test how easy it is to break someone.

And I broke. A long time ago.

Middle school was a four-year-long test. It tested my confidence, and I let it win the battle. They called me weird. They called me annoying. They called me fat. They called me ugly.

Stuck in the awkward stage between child and adolescent, my hair turned into a tangled mess of frizzy blonde curls, like Taylor Swift minus expensive styling and products. My metabolism took a nosedive, and the piles of food I consumed started to cling to my stomach, hips, and thighs. Every inch of my skin broke out with a terrible rash that dermatologists labeled as an unclassifiable cross between eczema and psoriasis. Basically, I went from happy child to awkward mess in hardly any time at all.

And the boys noticed. No, not in a good way. I can still hear a boy yelling in my face on the school bus about how "Halloween was over and I could take off my ugly mask." I can still see another guy ambling over to me in the cafeteria and asking if I would go out with him, while simultaneously explaining to his minions his plan to ask out the ugliest girls in the whole school to see what they would say.

That was over four years ago. And I can literally remember it like yesterday. What's that phrase about sticks and stones again?

After a few years of tormenting, I snapped. I accepted that they were right. I withered in their scrutiny, took their insults in silence. Kind of like a sick sort of concurrence, where I would willingly soak up every word because I felt like I deserved it. I figured it was the price I paid for being different.

And as I shrunk away from my victimizers, willing myself to disappear behind hunched shoulders and downcast eyes, they lost interest. I faded into the woodwork, and that is where I remain. A scared, silent wallflower. That word, "wallflower," it seems like such a cliché term. But what does it even mean?

As Patrick says in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, "You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand."

And that's what I'm always doing, especially during the hours of eight in the morning and three in the afternoon. Seeing. Listening. Understanding. Watching. Wondering. Thinking. Assuming.

But never speaking.

When I am with my close friends, or when I am at home, I am me. I am hilarious. I am sardonic. I am open. I am talkative. I am opinionated. I think out loud. I am honest.

But when I am shoved in the midst of mixed company, I become the wallflower that cowered away from her tormenters, ravenous rodents with full intent to rip up the garden of just-blossoming personalities, never hesitant to ruin me in the process. I went from a unique, somewhat eccentric blossom to a withered wallflower, and the entire process was driven by fear.

Fear that still resides inside of me. Fear of rejection. Fear of judgment. Fear of humiliation.

That coward, that "sad person", she is my other personality.

During that debate on bullying (ironically enough), I didn't speak up. I didn't voice my opinions. I just nervously glanced at the people around me and wondered what they would think if I opened my mouth. Would I sound stupid? It wasn't worth the risk.

Hiding behind silence is so much easier. Easier than being judged. Easier than being rejected.

But how is it possible that I can simultaneously settle for what is easy and long for what isn't?

Which personality is really me?