My last post was about letting go of Light, I believe.
Letting Light go has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do, aside from trying to cook a hot dog over a campfire in the pouring rain. Or my first American Cultures quiz. Or learning the intro for “Intensity In Ten Cities” on the guitar. The list goes on. About two Fridays ago, I had a weak point.
I saw him on that Friday. It was raining that night. Before the night had swept over the sky, there had been a rainbow glowing softly in the sky. As the rain feel down on me, I saw him walking below me while I sat at the top of the bleachers at a home football game, with the rest of the marching band. He looked a little different, and I saw him from behind, and about twenty feet away, but he is unmistakable.
My stomach was in knots. I could hardly breathe. My jaw literally dropped. I was going insane. Why was it happening again? Why is it that whenever he’s around, I find myself falling for him again? But I wouldn’t even classify what was happening to me as falling for him. It was more like being pulled under the water of a sea of false hope and useless dreams. Drowning in my old feelings, while they tried to make their way back inside of me, and eventually destroy me once more. I almost let it happen.
But I didn’t. I wrote a song, after spending a whole night thinking about Light. Thinking and thinking until I thought myself to sleep, and then I dreamt of him. Along with waking up came a wake-up call from reality.
The wake-up call went something like this: “Hey, if you start liking this guy again, your life is gonna suck. So get over him, and when I say get over him, I mean get over him. Thinking about him again did nothing but turn you into a big mess. Someone worth loving isn’t supposed to screw up your emotions like this. You are not falling into that fire again. Ever.”
While telling myself this was easy, believing it was a little hard, but look at me now. Today is a Monday. Three days ago, I saw Light again, the second time since the last time I posted. I felt that familiar jolt of nervousness, fear, insanity. But I simply told myself “not this time.” Not this time. Never again.
Being infatuated with Light was like riding a roller coaster. A really big, scary, roller coaster. Sometimes, I had my hands up and I was screaming and laughing. Sometimes, I was terrified. Sometimes I had my eyes closed, close to tears, wailing that I wanted to go home. But I don't regret one minute of it.
Being infatuated with Light was like riding a roller coaster. A really big, scary, roller coaster. Sometimes, I had my hands up and I was screaming and laughing. Sometimes, I was terrified. Sometimes I had my eyes closed, close to tears, wailing that I wanted to go home. But I don't regret one minute of it.
Light, you might be a great guy, but I doubt it. Whatever you were doing to me, if you even knew you were doing it, was pure hell. But I thank you for that. I thank you a million times. You spent over ten months being the perfect inspiration, the perfect muse, and I am grateful for the songs, the poetry, the words I got out of you. You were a complete waste of time, but you were kind of worth it, Light. Thanks again, love. I hope I never write another song about you, and after this post, I hope I never mention you in this blog ever again.
Now, giving myself a little pep talk wasn’t the only thing that got my mind off of him.
Isn’t it kind of amazing how people randomly walk into your world, on a seemingly normal day? Call me “boy crazy” or whatever, but let me tell you, my heart is captured way too easily. I’m not going to go into articulate detail, but someone has caught my eye. Someone new. That was quick, right? Trust me, I wasn’t expecting this. This kind of fell out of nowhere and slammed on top of my head, to say the least.
There’s something about him. I see something in his eyes that interests me. There’s just so much there. In Light’s eyes, I saw something unreadable and mysterious, but I also saw nothing. He seemed almost… empty. I never really realized it until I looked into this “new person’s” eyes. And I saw something else. I don’t know how to explain it, but one gaze into his eyes, and I was hooked. Toss me over and cast a line. It’s the strangest thing, but sometimes when a person walks into your world, you find yourself wishing you could be a part of theirs.
When an opportunity comes knocking, don’t sit there and question whether you heard that knock on the door, or make someone else get the door. Take that opportunity. And… I think that’s what I’m going to do, for a change. I’ll tell you how that crazy idea works out on a later date, but for now, I must depart. Off to the world of… real life? What a boring world it is, indeed. Farewell. :]
